I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away
Earlier last week I felt compelled to write this post but then I started overthinking it. Should I do it, should I not do it? Should I make it public, should I keep it private? Too many questions and only one need: the need to settle it down.
Four years have past since we parted ways, and last week I ended up breaking down while narrating the story to G. He kept triggering memories of you – the cooking, the washing up, the laughing out loud in bed… you would show up as a flash against my will and the only sense I can make of it is that I need to process the pain I tried to deny all this time.
I would like to say I’m over you, but I think we never get over someone who meant so much to us. I wasn’t happy all the time, I’m sure you were not happy all the time either, but you became someone very special in my life and now it seems to be impossible to keep running away from the pain I didn’t allow myself to feel before. Maybe it’s the fact I’m returning to Lisbon now. Our break up was one of the reasons why I ran away in the first place, and I’m the only one responsible for my own inability to process pain.
I also started seeing your face more often in the street and I guess I have been running away from analysing that. That’s why I am now writing these words because I know writing is the portal through which I have access to the darkest place of my soul and that’s where I have kept you.
As if seeing your face wherever I go was not enough, I dreamt about you. I don’t know or I can’t remember very well but I saw you and your partner acting distant from each other. It’s probably something I made up in my head but I’m now recalling the last time my mom said she saw you. You were with your girlfriend and still my mom didn’t assume she was so because of the way you interacted with each other. I wonder what is it like for real and whether you sometimes think about how things used to be between us. I also think about whether you hate me. You probably do.
I honestly don’t believe I still love you, except from afar. The main reason I still struggle is because we cut off contact in the weirdest way possible and I felt there was never a true closure. I guess sometimes we are the ones who have to create that closure, but I would like to voice out that I haven’t filled up the void, at least not yet. If I ever see you again, if we bump into each other now that I will be back home for a while, I hope I can openly just smile and that we don’t really trade any words. I just want to smile and feel we are good, whatever path we are walking on, and then part ways so we never see one another ever again. That’s the only closure I would like to get.
And maybe these words are my chance to smile at you and wish that you are alright, that you are happy. I think it’s time for me to let go the pain – feel it, and then let it go, before I even land over there. I deserve a fresh start in my hometown while keeping my sails ready to explore the world and manifest all that my soul has been waiting to do. Letting the ghost of you keep haunting me does me no good…