My Heart Is Reserved, Not Guarded

I told you from the very beginning that we could only be friends.

You said you understood it and you wouldn’t ask for anything more. You not only tricked yourself with that thought as you also tricked me to buy into it. All I wanted was a friend, because that was all I could be. I learned that relationships are already hard enough when life is more or less steady… and if it isn’t steady, if your mind and heart are not in a good place, then it’s not a good idea to have a relationship, because it won’t be a healthy one.

This time I was very conscious of my past mistakes and I did my best to let you know what my heart was like right now. It’s not dark anymore, but there’s a big hole on it. I told you I had to fix it by myself but you were stubborn; you thought you could fix it. No one can fix another’s heart. A broken heart can only be fixed from within and you wanted to fix it from outside.

I let you in. A little bit more each time we talked. I refused your movements, and even your attempts to kiss me. You said I was pushing you away, and maybe I was. Not because I was scared, but because I knew you were not the one, and we could only be friends. What happened next I take it as my fault. After one year being by myself, the desire of being embraced took over.

I thought maybe I could give it a try, and that maybe my refusal was a simple defence mechanism from my side. But no. It was my intuition screaming loudly, saying you were not the one, and as much as I rationally wanted to make it work, the truth is that you are not the one… and I don’t want to be with anyone else but the one. I know, you told me it, when I shared my past relationships and situationships. I overdid it in matters of the heart. I kissed too many frogs with the hope they would become handsome princes, and they only became ghosts in my head who come to haunt me every now and then.

I believe, however, that the reason why I can’t be with you or feel what I rationally should feel is not due to the fact I overdid it in the past. Yes, my heart is not healed yet, but it’s not guarded either. I don’t know if hearts ever heal, to be honest, and that’s ok. I do know we can only be friends, even though you are that damn warrior, the kind of man that protects and takes care of his woman. You made me realise that I want that too, but I also saw that I’m now a warrior too – I want to fight my own battles as well and, although I want to be treated like a princess, I also want to feel I have my own space when I need it.

Life feels weird sometimes. I felt from the very first time you were not the one, because my heart is reserved. If we had met another time, we would had been the perfect match. I love you… I just don’t love you in the way a woman loves her man and life is too short to fool ourselves.

5 thoughts on “My Heart Is Reserved, Not Guarded

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