Attachment, Wellbeing & New Age Crap


Maybe this week is a week to get mad about everything. Maybe this week is a week to push me beyond limits. Maybe this week is a week to let my anger explode and rock the boat. If I can rock the boat with grace, that is something I will have to meditate on.

I woke up today feeling worse and started comparing myself to Harry Potter. We have a lot in common. Maybe I will reread all the books to find some comfort and strength while I try to desensitise myself. One thing that Harry and I have in common is how invisible we are to our “supposed” care-takers. If I spent nights without proper sleep worrying that my mother would die in her sleep a few weeks ago, the truth is that no one has bothered to come in and help me decrease the fever or constant coughing in the last four days. I have reached a point in which I can’t cough anymore without acute overgeneralised pain.

It’s not just physical pain though. This has made me seriously think about how and whether my reality is actually better here than before. If before I was sick and completely isolated, now I’m sick, surrounded by people, but still invisible. How can human beings be so non-attached? Seriously, how can we be so indifferent to other people’s suffering? And why is this a constant reality in my life?

For me, this is non-attachment at its worse and I don’t think it’s a useful or even viable way to reduce human’s suffering. How can you detach yourself when your mother and father don’t care about what you do or how you are feeling, since the day you were born? I think I have known non-attachment too well to say that no human being can be well without feeling that someone genuinely cares about. I detached myself so much while growing up that I even convinced myself that everything was alright.

I honestly haven’t figured out this charade. I know though that there is this anger growing and growing inside me and I’m not stopping it. I won’t hide it. And maybe that’s what I need to do differently this time. Maybe for once I need to be and express anger as that’s how people seem to stop and listen to what I have to say. Maybe I really have to let them know how they hurt me without thinking about how they will feel afterwards. Maybe I do have to say “You are a big son of a b*” to some.

I feel better already just for writing it here. Now I need to find a way to get myself together and change what I can change, because DEAR GOD there is so much to do.

15 thoughts on “Attachment, Wellbeing & New Age Crap

  1. I wish I were there to give you a big hug 💕 I was just discussing some very similar issues I have with my own family in therapy yesterday. Feeling invisible, unheard, unimportant and unloved is SO damaging. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of this. I think you’re on the right track though, and anger about it is healthy. I’m sending you all the positive thoughts I can!💕

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    1. Mutual feeling 😔💗 Things calmed down during the day on this side though. I’m sorry you are also going through this. I sometimes think we are enduring a hell of a task – I was never physically stabbed (thank God), but I see it like that; if we are stabbed, we may not even feel it at the moment, but when we have to take the sword out… that’s when the pain hits us with all its strength. Today I have been also thinking about how we may expect from others something that comes more naturally to us – like reading people’s emotions from miles or even oceans away… I say this because I uncontrollably sobbed today in front of my mom and then I got help… Does it happen to you? It’s like when I had to scream at my dad, only then he heard. For us it’s emotionally draining though… thank you for sharing and sending positive energy 💗 I’m wholeheartedly wishing that the dust also calmed down a bit by now for you too 💐 I believe we’re on the right track too, we just have to keep pushing the sword(s) out 🤺 oh this reminds me of the tarot…

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      1. Your analogy for pulling out swords is spot on! You don’t realize how many swords are there and how much they’re hindering your range of motion until you pull them out…and then it hurts like hell! I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, it’s such an awful and painful feeling when your parents don’t see you. I agree about expecting others to feel and see things the way you do, I do the same and end up disappointed every time. I hope things will calm down soon for you!

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  2. “I detached myself so much while growing up that I even convinced myself that everything was alright.” I love when another writer nails a feeling I have had but not been able to express in words. Thank you for that. And…expressing your anger is such an important first step. Bravo… You are not invisible. I see you… Sending you warm and loving energy…💕

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    1. Aw thank you dear Patti, I feel really honoured by your words ❤️ I can relate to what you are saying, I find it a blessing when I see in another’s words what I feel or once felt. It’s very healing sometimes. Thank you very much for passing by and leaving your love. I see you too 💐💗

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  3. Oh I do so very much identify with your sentiments, Vanessa. This was my upbringing, too. It took quite a few years to ‘own’ the truth of it all. However, today I am me due to my ‘at arm’s length from love’ childhood and on…. Today ‘I’ love me / care for me / protect me / etc., etc. The pain and anger eventually abated. But, I had to ‘get it out’ in whatever way I could. Only in this way can we own the truth and, eventually, befriend it. Love & Kisses
    xoxoxo

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    1. Thank you dear one ❤️ I’m sorry your history touches on this too. I feel inspired, and ignited with hope, when I connect with your journey. Thank you for sharing. Maybe these experiences are the fabric that bring us all together here, one way or another… souls with similar blueprints… maybe that’s one way to cope. I have been told these days that those who have lacked these positive experiences in childhood are not meant to feel or self-perceive themselves as broken but rather as a seed of a different, more loving future for humankind… Spirit always comes trough and so do you dear Carolyn ❤️ Much love and hugs 🤗

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      1. “but rather as a seed of a different, more loving future for humankind… ” 🙂
        We certainly appreciate how debilitating it can be to not have loving/caring relationships as children – and how this continues throughout our lives to be something to be overcome…
        To now have loving and deeply caring relationships in my life is worth everything to me; it is beyond value; it is invaluable! ❤
        I do believe that you, too, will do as I have done; you are committed to being free of those negatives; whatever you have to do!
        I rejoice with you every time I read your words. They are the words of a freedom to come! ❤
        xoxoxo

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    1. I want to think I’m recovering one day at a time ❤ thank you for asking. hopefully this time I will be wiser and start checking in with the doctor. So sad about the students, hope you don’t get caught on it ❤

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