Spending some time chatting with my brother always turns out into some nice surprise. Maybe the chat we had is somehow responsible for the lukewarm feeling I’m having or maybe I’m just missing the magical connection between two human beings who vibrate at the same frequency. I guess I miss my imaginary beloved, the one that is just perfect for me and with whom I can build a stable future with.
My brother and I went out to buy a birthday present for our sister. He decided to buy her books and we found some nice ones on the second shop we visited. We found a collection about a princess called Poppy. On the shelf, there were five different stories available and my brother picked two of them. One of the stories was entitled “Happily ever after”, but he didn’t bring that one. In the car, I commented on that and I waited for the answer because I knew he hadn’t picked that one for a reason. He said “She needs to learn that such thing doesn’t exist”.
I sat there in silence, thoughtful. I didn’t want to argue about what he had just said. I had no reasons to say “That’s not true” and I saw no point in reaffirming the fairy tale I still secretly hope to experience one day in life. Have I lost hope? Did I finally grow up and told myself that true love stories don’t exist? This was all after he had told me that one of his friends is finally showing recovering signs from a divorce. My brother’s take is that time heals and only time will tell what the future holds for us. We don’t know what’s coming next, he said, but apparently we shouldn’t hope for happy ever after.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about love at the moment. When I try to assess the situation all I can hear is crickets. Did I move on? In which stage am I? I actually don’t think that love has been on the cards for me. It may not look like it since I usually spend a lot of time reflecting on this matter, but I don’t see romantic love happening that soon in my life and maybe that’s why I find it so weird to be listening to crickets. There was always someone to have feelings for and I don’t feel like I long for someone specific right now. Sure, some faces do come to my mind, but even when they come I also feel they are half of what I need and half of what I deserve.
I long, however, for my beloved. I don’t really want to become hopeless but at the same time I don’t know if it is very realistic to hold on tight to the hope of finding someone to whom I will feel attracted in every single way. Maybe I have a wrong way of thinking and feeling about romantic love. Maybe there are no fairy tales in this era and maybe all the longing and searching are a waste of energy. Perhaps, only time can bring me the answers.
You are two hands, two legs, and two eyes,
But if your heart and the Beloved are also two,
what good is that?
You call out, ‘I am the lover’,Rumi
but these are mere words.
If you see lover and Beloved as two,
you either have double vision
or you can’t count.