This is a chapter of a new book I’m working on. I’m writing as much as I can everyday for about an 1h and I decided to share the unedited versions here on the blog. If you’re on Twitter and you need motivation to write, I’m hosting a virtual writing session (#ShutUpAndWriteTwitter) from Monday to Friday at 10pm, London time.
You can always feel it. You may not be able to identify it or maybe your awareness can’t fully grasp what it is all about, but deep inside you know it. There is a certain uneasiness that doesn’t allow you to feel rested and secure. There is this voice, or this aching gut feeling, constantly telling you that something is not right. Something is missing. You don’t know exactly what it is, but you can’t feel completely happy and light around the other person. There is a certain dread, a lingering feeling that comes and takes you out from the present moment.
What about what was said? What about those words? Were they lies? Are they lies? Sometimes you can’t hold it anymore and you decide to ask. You get courage from the universe and you take the risk. You ask. You confront, because there is that something that doesn’t allow you to fully be. Even if you’re not ready to know the truth, you ask, hoping that you will be told, once again, that everything is fine, that you are loved. Are you? You’re told that you are, and yet you don’t feel like it’s the truth. You become restless, again. Could you be going crazy? Are you making up silly movies in your own head?
I know, that’s what you were told also. You were told that you are loved and that you must be crazy, because you keep making things up. You keep being playing on the drama queen level. You twist and twist, without giving up. Should you give up? Should you trust in the other person? Or should you actually trust what your intuition tells you? You know it’s going to hurt either way. The difference between letting your craziness go and trusting yourself is a matter of what kind of pain you can endure right now. Can you bare the intense pain of leaving everything behind now and try to recompose your life, or do you prefer to live with daily doses of agony and postpone the obvious end?
The decision is up to you, as always. You can either accept another’s lie or you can accept your truth. You can either stay or leave. If you stay, there is still pain anyway. There will always be that voice, or gut feeling, telling you that you should trust in yourself more. We always know when another doesn’t love us the way we love them. We always unconsciously know it, because we read the signs even when we are blindfold. The signs are always there, it’s only a matter of noticing and paying attention to them. However, we prefer to walk in a path of lies instead of hearing what the signs have to tell us. We choose to opt-out from their free guidance newsletter, don’t we?
I have to ask you something though. What keeps you in there? What makes you stay? If your heart and gut tell you that you’re not really loved the way you deserve and crave for, then why do you stay? Why do you think it will get better? For how long have you been waiting for? How much have you given from yourself in exchange of little crumbs of affection? Wouldn’t you be happier with someone who could fill you with inspiration instead of doubt?
Please, don’t think I chose you as my target. Please, don’t think I chose to be harsh on you. Please, know that I love you and that’s why I’m trying to wake you up before it’s too late. I would like to protect your heart of falling once again into the abyss of disappointment and because I know you won’t hate the other person – you will hate yourself and think that you’re the one who must be broken, when you are not. You are this incredible human being who feels too much and whose only wish is to be endlessly loved. That’s why you have that strange feeling from time to time, a feeling that questions reality and your sanity. You know that you will never find true love next to that person, no matter how hard you try. You know that it’s already a daily struggle to keep it up. You know that you can’t even remember a time in which everything was running smoothly.
For how long haven’t you laughed? For how long have you been crying yourself out in silence, torturing yourself, thinking that you are the one who must be crazy? It’s not crazy. It’s emotional intelligence. If you feel something is off, then it’s because it is, and it doesn’t have to be necessarily your fault. Every relationship is a dynamic between at least two people. Some of us tend to forget that and assume a burden that goes beyond any human being’s capacity. So, please, sit down with yourself. Listen to your heart. Pay attention. Are you really loved the way you’ve been aiming for all your life? You are deserving of finding that. You deserve to be reassured by your partner that you are enough – and when people love truly, they do that naturally.