The Hardest Post Ever: A Short Goodbye


A short goodbye is not a forever goodbye. I thought it would be good to say that first. The blog just reached its first 1K WordPress subscribers’ milestone and I’m sure it’s the first time my writing reaches so many people, in so many different countries. So what’s this post about? Well, let me take a good, deep breath first, and perhaps another glass of water, while I also search for some Celtic folklore music to play in the background.

I think I mentioned I was doing a couple of physical examinations. I know I have at least documented several ups and downs, different symptoms and moods. Stress, anxiety, depression, sciatica, migraines, weight gain, exhaustion, brain fog, lack of motivation and purpose, inability to concentrate… and, over the last couple of months, aggravated loss of muscular strength on the extremities and impairment of cognitive functions such as working memory and ability to recall information (sometimes I forget what I wrote or didn’t write here). In other words, I’m now having a harder time managing what I thought to be just a ‘weird phase’ of my life.

Since my health has been slowly deteriorating with time, those who live with me on a daily basis don’t seem to notice my struggle. I believe I can’t blame them. I got them used to the idea that everything is always fine, that I’m not someone deserving of attention and care. That, or I got used to that role. Either way, I have been telling myself exactly that, I’m just fine. Well, I’m not, and although I’ve been meditating on a daily basis for almost two weeks now, hoping to reduce and prevent exaggerated amounts of stress hormones, today I was particularly stricken by fear.

I know I shouldn’t, and I know I must forgive myself but, in this moment, I’m still mad with myself for not having answered my needs a long, long time ago. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, and I should have more self-compassion. I totally agree with you all, and I probably wouldn’t be sick if I had been kinder to myself. However, irritation comes with my current condition too, so I do get mad and sometimes I need to let the steam flow through writing. I get particularly irritated by the fact that has taken me years to learn that I shouldn’t let people decide what is best for me. So, dear reader, if you don’t learn anything else from me, please learn this: you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. No one else.

I should have paused my PhD a year ago, when I had the first anxiety attacks and unbearable mood swings. The reality is that I didn’t and I continued to drag myself way beyond my human capacity. Why? I believed I had no choice. I kept being told that I should finish my PhD first, because I was almost there. I did the same I’m used to do. I mean, I grew up being the girl who A-L-W-A-Y-S silenced her will and voice in order to please everybody and not let anyone down, so in a funny way it’s like my body is screaming Vanessa, you have permission to be angry and stand up for what you want! And no, don’t think I have the intention of becoming a cavewoman now. I don’t, at all, as I’m quite emotionally sensitive. What I mean is that I will now take every opportunity to express and make my needs heard. I have to learn how to do that without being aggressive.

This post is to tell you, however, that I’m going to seclude myself for a little while. I have been struggling to keep up with the blog’s rhythm and I really need to save all the energy I can. It has taken me already three hours to write this post… and I have shut my eyes a dozen times. Posting came to a point that frustrates and scares me. How bad is this? To sleep and wake up unrested became the new normal. The same happened with not being able to coordinate my fingers to hold a pen and write on a piece of paper… with not being able to hold a plate or cut a harder steak… Today I can’t recall a full sentence of seven words. I forgot my shoes under the kitchen’s table, even after being reminded that they were there. I can’t walk fifteen minutes straight without a break and I was doing routes of 15-17Km not that long ago.

I’m young, and right now I don’t have half the energy of the 70-year old ladies I found in the clinic. I’m young, and although I believe I can recover if I put myself on a lifestyle make over right away, it has been scary to experience all this alone. I’m having the medical tests, I’m meditating, I’m connecting with Louise Hay, I’m being patient with myself and sleeping whenever I need to, and I’m creating space to see clearly and make decisions. It’s heartbreaking for me to decide not to write here for a while, but I believe I have to save time and energy now. I will be, nonetheless, taking some time to catch up with your blogs. I haven’t returned comments because after posting here I get so exhausted that I switch off. That’s also why it has taken me years to reply back to comments. If I can answer three in a row at the moment is already a reason to throw a party. Thus, I won’t be posting as much, but I will surely spend more time reading your stories and catching up as I can.

I hope I can still find you here when I come back. I will be back soon. Thank you for everything! 🙂

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32 thoughts on “The Hardest Post Ever: A Short Goodbye

  1. Sending you so much love Vanessa. We’ll be here, I will at least. You take all the time you need, and if that time becomes forever, then we will understand. You are an amazing writer, I enjoy reading your posts so much, but your health comes first. Your mental and physical health that is.

    Sometimes meditation isn’t enough. Sometimes self-compassion is lost among all our frustrations with ourselves. Just remember to be kind to yourself as often as possible, listen to yourself and your body.

    I wish you all the best. I’m sending so many good vibes.

    – Nyxie

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so relatable. I went through very similar stuff just this year. I thought of the same things: I should keep on my PhD, because I am almost there and what else am I gonna do etc. Well, if I had taken a break, it would have helped me better, I guess. Now, I have a chance for a break and I am doing the best I can to heal. Take your time off of things, focus on yourself. It will take time but it is possible to get over this. I am saying this as a person who has not yet totally recovered. I still go back and forth. But I am just hoping that I am gonna get there. So will you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry to read this. Making YOU a priority is key here and I think you’ve made a wise choice. The loss is ours but I’m hopeful you’ll find your way back to posting before you know it.

    All the best to you!

    Pamela
    pamelajessen.com

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I honor you for having the courage now to voice your whole truth + put your needs first. Wishing you strength, peace, and love as you continue on this healing journey. 🙏❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I found this so hard to read, because I’ve been there too. Finishing a degree I didn’t really want. And being sick like that! You sound just like me before I discovered that I had pyroluria, and I hate it that someone else is feeling the way I felt 😣 If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s not to blame yourself for getting sick. You didn’t do anything wrong, or didn’t meditate enough, or stuffed up… you are sick and can only do so much. We will be here waiting for your joyous return to blogging, and we give you permission to be selfish and do what you need to do to get your health back ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, love. Reading this post broke my heart, thinking of the pain you must be going through, but I’d like to say I’m really proud of you for making the executive decision to slow down, step back, and take the time that you need for yourself. That’s brave and amazing and necessary, and I hope that everything falls in the place that it needs to for you. Take care, and hang in there. Will be thinking of you, and will for sure be here waiting for your next inspirational post when you get back. Love always!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It is strange that this is your first post I read. I wish you great strength in overcoming your health issues. I have myself dealt with chronic illness for over a decade.

    Love yourself first, rest is all secondary.
    And please rest as much as your body needs and a little more !

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Wishing you all the best 💕 Take all the time you need to do you❤ I’ll be here when you return for sure!! Ever need to cry, scream or yell feel free to reach out… You Are Never Alone!! Much Love, Prayers & Strength sent your way Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  9. All the best to you, Vanessa. I didn’t know that you were struggling in this way. But I appreciate and admire your openness and am happy to hear that you are prioritizing your well being right now. Try not to worry about your blog. We will be here when you return.

    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You give so much of your energy when you publish your blog here to share with us and we appreciate that – it is perhaps no wonder that you are exhausted… as a reader and ‘blogging friend’ I send you a virtual hug and only encourage you – as you encourage us – to do what is right for you. Sending love 🥰🦋🌻🌈

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for following my blog, and I’m so sad to hear about your present health issues. If you are in a part of the world which allows you to consume CBD oil I would highly recommend it as your condition seems to be stress related and I have found great relief from similar symptoms with this miracle oil. Please feel free to reach out to me for any further details. I hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now! And I’m so sorry I didn’t see this sooner otherwise I would have said something before!

    It’s heartbreaking to hear this. I truly wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you’re able to find some peace and serenity soon. It’s going to be sad not seeing many new posts from you but don’t worry all about any of this! Your personal health and wellbeing are so much more important!

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you!! Please be sure to take care Vanessa! I know you’re strong enough to over come this!

    Like

  13. First of all let me say, “Thanks for your like of my post, “14 – Israel – The Tabernacle In The Desert;” you are very kind.” Secondly, please know how sorry I am that you are experiencing the problems that you have described in this post. Please do whatever is necessary for your personal well being. Thanks for being such a good and honest friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re most welcome 😊 thank you for coming by and saying hi. I appreciate your support – right now I’m doing much better thanks to medication, supplements, and lifestyle changes. One day a time. Sending you much love and many blessings!

      Like

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