I was doing a great job at keeping myself away from the drama. I consciously made the decision of disengaging from other people’s negativity and emotional clutter. As a result, I’ve spent almost no time at home with my family and I detached myself from the little wars between my coworkers. I also focused on achieving my fitness goals and I started organising my thesis. I gave even more structure to my routine, and it was working fine. At least, until I decided to give another try to a very complicated chapter: dating.
In the last two weeks, I have been ditched and ghosted. Although it shouldn’t bog me down, because I didn’t even go out with anyone, it took a toll on me. Well, maybe what really did take a toll on me was the fact that my ‘married’ coworker keeps confusing and sending me mixed signals. That was the main reason why I gave online dating another try. I thought doing so would keep my mind busy and away from any temptive thoughts. I should know it doesn’t work like that.
I’ve been told he has some level of psychopathy and yet the very same person who told me that is not exactly the person I would like to have around that much, which also upsetted me. I didn’t hold such high hopes as I used to in the past about the people I work with, but I would like to have someone nearby who is genuinely more positive and light-hearted. Therefore, I think I feel confused, tired and disappointed, not because some virtual dude stood me up, but because I still emotionally give more than what I take in my day to day life. Failing at online dating was just the trigger.
What’s the solution then? I gave it some thought while I was coming back home tonight. I think stepping away from unnecessary drama is very important to keep good mental health and wellbeing in the moment. For instances, I can’t change my parents and I can’t make decisions for them. Moreover, I don’t have enough cold blood to delete them completely from my life. I can’t also change my coworkers’ nature. I will have to stick with them at least until the end of the school year (and I actually like them). Most of all, I can’t control what people will do or not do, say or not say.
The conscious decision of choosing where my attention goes, however, is mine. Right now, I can make a decision on whether I keep, or not, focusing on and feeding what has brought me confusion and restlessness (e.g. my colleague’s mixed signals). Just like I have spent less time at home, I might well need to review the amount and quality of thoughts I have given to my work colleagues. For instances, it has been very unhealthy to try to second guess my colleague’s compliments and moves as well as to keep actively listening to my other colleague’s complaints about work. None of them actively listens to my own problems and the root problem, I may say, is the fact that I have subjectively invested more than what I have received.