Just For Today, I Am Feeling

Life is not exactly a box of chocolates. If you read the package right, you can guess what you will be having. What you can’t guess, however, is how you are going to react to it. Will it be tasty for you? Will it be bitter? Will the flavour stay for too long in your mouth? These are harder questions to answer by yourself.

I remember how I used to go about a chocolate box. I would like to eat one of each as fast as I could. I wanted to find out. To save time, I wouldn’t even savour them. If I didn’t like it, I would chew faster and pick the next one. If I did like it, I would try to find more of the same type.

I think we can apply this metaphor to people. You can guess what you might get, but you can’t predict how your experience is going to be. There’s one thing I’m pretty sure I don’t do anymore: I don’t rush my feelings to go away and I don’t try to fix the vacant place that is left behind.

I used to do that out of anger. I would get really angry, if people didn’t match what I had made them to be, which I would only find out once they left. Today, I get sad, of course, but I don’t seem to get angry. I accept what it is. I take it as a lesson, which I might not understand fully in the moment but which I’m sure it will be useful and handy in the future.

So today I’m sitting and contemplating a few sad feelings. I don’t feel desperate, frustrated or left out. I’m not even sure if I’m disappointed. I don’t feel pain. It’s like I let go of it. Of people. Of outcomes. Instead I attend to my own needs and feelings. I go within and I allow myself to feel whatever I feel.

There’s no point in striving. To fight and try to make things work. To please and do anything for someone solely because you are afraid to ‘lose’ them. In the past, I used to run after the problem, so I could fix it. Even when other people didn’t want it fixed. Now I just let myself be, trusting that the universe always holds something better for us, whatever that is.

I hope tomorrow it stays the same way, but if it doesn’t that’s ok too.


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