I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not doing anything.
I simply just gave up of this constant feeling of having to be striving and making things happen. I have been utterly tired and I finally understand why: I kept myself busy doing whatever I thought it was needed to change or fix reality, according to what my mind would pour out.
I would chase people to make things work, I would beg for a little bit of love and a little bit of respect… I would always be doing something to keep me away of the experience of sitting with myself in silence and realise what actually needed my attention. I would be doing anything you can imagine, even washing the dishes all over again, just to avoid the experience of having to deal with what really matters.
And, of course, the more I did – the more I strived for something to happen -, the less I would achieve. Things would just get stuck and frustration would be building up inside me. If I had put so much effort into make it happen, then why the hell it didn’t? Or most important, why did it go wrong?
Thus I withdraw from this craving of being able to control reality enough in order to achieve the results I secretly wait for. Instead I will just be.
I will just be here, observing whatever arises. I will take action only when the present moment asks for it, because that’s all there is… this moment and in this moment I don’t need to go or do anything. I am too tired to keep pursuing. For now, I just need to allow life to happen, because lately I have been always living in the future and always in the fast forward mode.