I already shared here the major reason why I think so many relationships fail and why some people (like myself) live a lot of drama in that area. I also covered how I spent a decade without being single for more than three weeks and how I after that realised I needed to find myself before being able to have a proper relationship.
However, after a while by myself, I started to think that love as I once knew would probably never happen again. My thinking was that I had had my chance. I mean… I thought I would never be able to reach that point I once was: in a 4 years and half relationship which was about to go to the next step (living together). Nonetheless everything suddenly crashed… because it had too. Honestly I have a perfect notion of why it didn’t work out and why it wouldn’t in any near future: he had a great heart but I had to suppress who I really am most of the time. I couldn’t be raw, intense and emotional; I couldn’t really speak about the most peculiar existential questions I had because he didn’t want to deal with that sort of things.
I moved to the UK in part to run away from the feelings I still had and from the pain of thinking that I was probably not good enough, not deserving enough, to have a caring and mutual understanding kind of relationship. At some point, I started to feel that I had to be broken somehow and that there was no fix for myself. So what did I do? I started to be rational and told myself that I should finally give a chance to whomever came for me. I assumed I had to grow up and do like everyone else – I had to bury my fantasies and stick to a regular relationship with someone. And that’s how I got a boyfriend one year ago – he used to live next to me, he was from a similar cultural background (Spain) and he had been pursuing me for about a year. So rationally why shouldn’t it work out?
It didn’t. A relationship needs two mutually interested and invested people at the same level. While I would feel awkward for time to time for not feeling any sparkle of love or passion, our interaction and time spent together had nothing to do with what makes me happy in a relationship. He would be sitting in his desk, eating in front of the computer, I would sit in his bed, having my salad and asking myself “what the hell am I doing here?”. One month later I said him I couldn’t do it anymore.
At that time, I understood that nothing would work out by just accepting to receive someone’s love or trying to live by as anyone else. That’s such a stupid thing to do. So what did I do next? Next I bought the idea of having a list and a clear vision of the type of partner I would really love to be with. I didn’t really have that list written down – I wrote it in my head and kept adding the most silly things I would think of such as “wanting to plant avocados”. Do you want to know what happened?
I did find that person. Very intelligent, attractive, taller than me, born in another country like myself, able to understand Spanish (similar to Portuguese), educated, a book and nature’s lover. He even scored on that silly item I added and he was looking forward to go on a date. It was perfect! There it was, finally, the man of my dreams.
But no. I felt no resonance. He was nice to talk to, a good hearted guy, but at some point I felt there was no sparkle. I tried hard to keep the conversation but I found myself over and over disconnected. There was only the list I had to find the perfect partner, but all that became pointless as soon as I realised I had no desire to stay.
So I came back to that sometimes turbulent space of self-discovery and tried to figure out what all those experiences had taught me. I now know that I simply look for resonance. I don’t care about complicated check-lists and I am aware that I need to just feel what feels good. And what feels good is to share my own kind of beauty with a man that can speak the same heart language I do, kiss like if he was savouring the most juicy peach and hold me tight without destroying my freedom. If he comes matching that silly list I had in my head, great; if not, I am more focused on how it feels than on anything else.