I know I don’t write in here for an awful lot of time. I guess I ventured out for a little while. What’s life anyway without trying something new, pursuing new ideas? Well, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you do it so by pure reasons and by “pure reasons” I mean reasons that overflow from your heart and true will.
I often get confused and derailed by the reasons behind my thoughts and behaviours. My mind is so good at trapping me within illusions that if I don’t create the time and space to still it, it will certainly cause me trouble, sooner or later. And that’s basically what happened since the last time I wrote in here.
I don’t regret anything that happened – another narcissistic abusive pseudo-relationship, another failed project to save others, another sad birthday -, because I am sure I needed to repeat some lessons. I need to graduate, to go past this game level, right? So I better study and make sure that I know everything I need before I start the next level. I am just not sure when that level is going to start or how much time will I need to finally understand that I can’t keep running away.
I have been running away from the fact that I am now a gown-up adult and no one will ever show up to erase or fix whatever I missed in my childhood. That’s actually my job now and, instead of running away, I should spend some of my research time on learning ways to self-parenting. So far, I have managed to keep a ceiling above my head, food in my fridge, and I have showed up for work and done the best I can. However, I haven’t done a pretty good job at managing my internal life. I keep creating side-projects that I never really finish and I keep letting myself go with the hyper-seductive talk of every narcissistic person who crosses my way.
I read somewhere today that people only change for real when they reach a saturation point of despair and suffering. I am sure I taught that somewhere in my Psychology lectures as well. And in those same lectures I have also taught the million excuses we find un/consciously to avoid change. I think I am getting closer and closer to that point though, because I am sick of repeating the same lessons over and over again. It’s OK to get lost while we try to find (or build?) our way; it’s OK to walk in circles for a while. But it’s not OK to stay on that loop almost like… forever.