Today I went out with my parents and siblings. We did a day trip to a place that we go at least once a year. This year, however, my father wanted to visit new places around the area and I suggested a place that I once went to with my ex.
I don’t see my ex as I used to see him but I guess the love we once feel can never disappear, or where would it go anyway? I think it can be transformed into something but it doesn’t entirely disappear, and visiting that place today made me think of him and what I miss having – a partner to come home with and cuddle.
It’s such a weird feeling. I’m not even sure of what I feel – is it sadness? Is it pain? I feel like I have a hole right in the centre of my chest. A black, deep and scary hole. On our way back home, I could only think of him and his new partner. I could picture them together and I didn’t feel envious… I think I felt numb. In a parallel world, if I had the choice, I know I would not want to be with him again. So what’s all this sorrow about?
My emotional life is still stuck, that’s all I know. Even after four years, I feel there is something I still need to heal – I just can’t see what. What else do I need to let go? What am I holding on to? And what should I be doing?