I guess this is not really a great revelation, but I had numbed out the fact I don’t really enjoy the environment I work on at the moment. It’s something that it is definitely coming to an end, but over the last couple of months I started to consider that maybe I should keep doing the same kind of “job”: teaching and doing research in institutions that are not really ready yet to make the big leap into the future.
However, last night I had a very insightful chat with someone in Turkey, about the memories that a recent family trip brought up in me. By the end of the conversation I got a different perspective and understanding of what has been actually underlying such memories and feelings: I have been running away from myself and from my feelings, silencing what I really feel, to avoid confronting people about their behaviour and attitudes.
And I have been doing the same about my job: instead of facing the fact that I don’t fit in my working environment, which includes people, practises, and values, I have been trying to convince myself that I should simply settle for what there is, that I should stop envisioning the future and aim for it. But my DNA is of an entrepreneur, how can I make my natural attitude in life dormant? I guess I can’t, and that’s why I woke up today again to the thought that I am not happy doing what I’m doing, where and with whom I’m doing it.
It took me a flight to Lisboa to step aside and see what has been happening over the last months. Now I just have to decide what step will I actually make: will I choose what there is or will I work on what can become?