How to Heal from Past Relationships

In this blog post I’m sharing with you what I believe to be the most effective way to heal from past relationships.

Lately I have worked with clients who have been dealing with rejection or have decided to heal from a past relationship for good. That gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my own personal experiences and to make a quick search to see what experts usually recommend.

Based on the research I did, I realised that most suggestions invite people to focus on the ‘outside’ rather than the ‘inside’ where the problem is rooted. I came across suggestions such as:

  • “do exercise”
  • “go out with friends”, or
  • “go to the movies”

Despite well-intentioned and positive, these activities are mere bandaids, because they move people’s attention to what is outside of them and therefore they only work as temporary distractions from what’s boiling inside. This might be useful as a starting point, to create some space and distance, but it’s not a strategy to keep in the long-term if you want to heal.

In order to heal, the most effective strategy is to sit down with yourself and face the truth. The truth is that you are hurt and that you feel pain, because what you once knew as reality has drastically changed. The good news is that pain always brings some lesson with it. However, to learn that lesson we really need to sit down and listen to it. We need to get in touch with that space inside of us that aches and ask ourselves what is the meaning of the pain we are going through.

Now I know this is really hard to do, because no one likes to be in pain. That’s why so many of us have some sort of addiction – the role of any addiction is to set us free, even though temporarily, from pain and the need for thoughtful reflection. The only way to heal from the pain and other negative emotions though is to feel them inch by inch. The more you indulge in distractions, the more you postpone the moment in which you will have to face the truth. The downside of that is that… the more you postpone, the more you will suffer later.



  1. Great advice. Maybe worth adding that falling from one relationship into another isn’t a good idea. Indeed, learning to be on one’s own for a time actually becomes rather liberating, certainly in my experience.

    Thanks for a great post. 😎

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Harrogate's Wellness Scene and commented:
    Dr Vanessa Dias deals with a prolific but rarely properly handled subject. When we are “released’ into the world, we are not fully aware of how others can affect us for the long term. All relationships impact on us at a cellular level and I believe her suggestion to get to the root of the pain is sound advice. Do not run away from your pain. You need to heal. First accept it, acknowledge the pain and then search remedies in a holistic approach such as through a combination of yoga, crystal healing, meditation, you time and positive self-affirmations.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Any sane person would do the above things to get over it because you do these stuff when you feel lonely to entertain yourself or pass your time alone as one has not got anyone to share the time with but can you please advise how to keep a healthy relationship?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very true. If I may suggest, the only way to keep a healthy relationship is having a real healthy relationship with ourselves first, which may require a long time. We need to be open and loyal to our feelings and way of being, so we can be who we are and recognise who is best for us as a partner. When we repeat the same pattern in a relationship over and over, there’s something very important for us to learn. I find it useful to question why do we want to be in a relationship, what has happened in previous relationships, and what part did we play in their outcome because relationships are always a two-way connection and we often only see the other person’s faults.


      1. Hey Vanessa, Thank you for answering my question. Above you said we need to focus in ourselves but in a relationship 2 individual involve 2 different bodies 2 different personalities so would it be enough to just focusing on ourselves? 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, what I meant is that for some people it is necessary to first focus on the relationship they have with themselves (e.g. am I with someone because I love them or because they make me feel good on the surface?) so they can have a healthier relationship with another in the future. Or be with a fully compatible partner with whom this stuff can be shared and worked through with openness, kindness, and compassion. When in a relationship, we still need to focus on our needs, but also learn to negotiate them with the needs of the other. Here is where relationships get tricky and unbalanced…


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