Going Off The Wagon: Whose Fault Was It? Rethinking Motherhood.

I love my mom and my dad. I think no matter what they have done or didn’t do will never stop me from caring and tolerating them. I have to myself that they did the best they could and both of them had little to work with when I was born. I keep that in mind and therefore I guess I never truly judged or blamed them for anything.

I do know, however, that they were negligent. Being massively trained in Psychology it is impossible for me not to state it or hide it. Their parenting style consisted in giving me food to make me content – and even though they are not aware of it they also hoped that food would fix any of my emotions or mood, because they didn’t know how to deal with them. That’s how they loved and comforted me, they gave me a lot of food, because they couldn’t give me what they didn’t have.

Later on, their parenting style led me to a diagnosis of morbid obesity at the age of 15. My doctor scared me and she made sure I understood that I could die at the age of 30, if I didn’t change. I got really scared. Then the fear got mixed with anger and I began to workout and eat well everyday. My parents didn’t really believe I would make it and since then people’s uncertainty became one of my biggest driving force, which is not entirely healthy, but I will leave that for another time.

I managed to take off 50Kg (110 pounds) from my body between the age of 15 and 17. However, I didn’t manage to take off the anger, the frustration, and the anxiety of not knowing how to deal with my emotions and life decisions. I never really recovered from my eating disorder, because food was the only solution I was ever taught as a child. I didn’t learn any life skills and my parents were never able to offer me life advice. That always hurt me and I don’t think my parents will ever understand that what I needed, and still need, is someone to put their hands over my heart and say that it is ok, that I am ok.

I will turn 30 next Spring and I think I reached far by myself, even without my parents’ guidance. Luckily, or not, I grew up sensitive, instead of numb, but the program I have had inside for years is one that reproduces my parents’ neglect: I’m great at giving to others, but I still have a lot of work to do in matters of giving to myself and passively receiving from others. I’m better now at receiving compliments and I’ve been doing an incredible progress at keeping away from people who have narcissist tendencies and who replicate, somehow, the dynamic I was exposed to during childhood.

This past week I had a relapse though, and the trigger was the fact that my mother did not call me as she said she would. She actually seldom calls; she might have called 3 times maximum over the past 3 years that I have been living abroad.  I have already discussed that with her and I know she has her own version why she doesn’t call. I already told her, or at least I think I have, how the lack of spontaneous contact through a call makes me feel. However, she didn’t call as she said she would. She called one week later and I didn’t get it because I was taking a nap.

I didn’t proceed as I used to: I would call her back immediately. Instead, I waited for her to try again. It has been 4 days ever since and there hasn’t been no call or text. As a grown up maybe I shouldn’t be bothered, but the truth is that I went off the wagon. I turned to food again. In fact, I must have spent at least a week only eating fast food and indulging in ice-cream and biscuits late at night. I cried. I ate some more. I checked my inbox. I ate some more.

Again, I love my mom and dad. However… I really think it is time for me to stop waiting to receive the kind of love I thought I should have received from them. I think it is time to realise that they are who they are and I am who I am. It does indeed hurt. It is probably one of the most painful lessons, because all the other lessons regarding failed and abusive relationships… they all derived from this wound which food can’t heal. I think I’m consciously stepping out today as the loving and caring mother of myself. That includes guiding myself with love and compassion… it implies reassuring myself that I am ok and things can now start to settle down.

My heart is expanding, my womb is turning alive, and my eyes are watery. I feel that I’m tearing down the shield I had built around me, which blocked me from creating and using my own female energy. Maybe that’s part of motherhood, maybe motherhood is not just to make sure that your child is fed and quiet. I’m sure that motherhood is also about nurturing, creating, and supporting your own energy as a human being, so that you can then become an adult who is ok with just being and who knows for sure that everything is meant to flow compassionately, despite life’s ups and downs.

Edit: My mom gave me a call at the end of the day 🙂

14 thoughts on “Going Off The Wagon: Whose Fault Was It? Rethinking Motherhood.

  1. Hello beautiful Vanessa,
    I had the opposite upbringing, food wise. My parents neglected to feed me enough. As a result I was terribly underweight and probably malnourished. They continued this behaviour regarding me, and then my gorgeous daughter, too. I had to learn, throughout the years, that this was their ‘brief’, so to speak. I had to learn that I was the only one who could ‘feed me’. I was the only one who could truly love, respect and heal me.
    Today I eat ever so well. I choose to love and care for me, and be my best friend. This took many years, however, today the hurt, confusion and wishes for a better relationship with them is replaced with acceptance. And this I hope for you, too.
    We will never receive from them what it is we want. We can, however, receive it from ourselves…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear Carolyn, I see you as a Guardian Angel on Earth ❤️ I’m so very sorry that you had to go through this experience. My heart sank at the same time it said we’re all connected, we’re all one, and these biographical threads seem to show that. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I think you are absolutely right and that’s why I especially enjoyed your last post. Each reminder to love ourselves, to put ourselves first, is a step forward to heal expectations that really don’t serve us well. I’m sending all my love to you and your daughter ❤️🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I cried as I read this. I can sympathize with you on having neglectful parents, I have a narcissistic father who pretty much never contacts me unless he wants something. It’s extremely hurtful to feel pushed aside and even not good enough to receive love from a parent. I also eat emotionally because my mom taught me to eat when stressed, and it is such a hard habit to break. Don’t beat yourself up for having a hard time this week, it’s OK to feel sad because you have been through a lot. I hope your journey will begin to go up from here on out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry this acted as some kind of trigger, didn’t want you to cry 😦 I’m sorry for your dad’s behaviour, I can understand the feeling. I’m sure however that today you’re a better mom because of it too and you will be able to give what your heart feels to be unconditional love 🙂 We are enough, because we are we – I would say we could celebrate it with a piece of carrot cake, low in sugar! 🙂 I’m trying to accept reality more, there are just some triggers from time to time, pointing out things that still need to heal 🙂 Guess it’s a long journey… Thank you so much for your kind support and sharing your experience too, I really appreciate it with my whole heart ❤️

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  3. Vanessa, I can relate to your story and I know your suffering all too well. Being cared for and loved as a child is essential to our well-being. Wounds can leave a gaping hole in our hearts that cannot be filled with external things. No amount of food or sex or alcohol or even psychobabble can satiate our hunger for love. Know this, no matter the degree of hurt or injury, there is healing, just as the day follows the night. It is our choice to keep reliving the same sabotaging patterns or not. When you feel ready to begin your healing on a deeper level, please engage this visual meditation:
    https://www.myss.com/free-resources/visual-meditation
    The content within the presentation may spark additional action for you to take, if your soul is ready to make the journey.
    Love & light,
    JY

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You may enjoy learning about Caroline’s unconventional approach to healing, then again all the approved methods of therapy were once alternative like. One of her main teachings is that we each have a ‘sacred contract’ by which we are to orient ourselves in this world. As a Tarot Reader you are probably aware of the fool’s journey through the arcane. It’s kind of like that: Each one of us is gifted with a unique combination of archetypes to assist in our individuation process.

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      2. Oh yes! It’s very refreshing to find these authors and inspiring people talking about these topics and actually integrating them in their practise. Believing or not, the therapeutic effects do exist, and I think it’s because these practises explore and touch in archetypical ideas and thus speak right to our heart and soul. I love the idea of soul journey and how Tarot is a depiction of it. Thanks for sharing such inspiring drops dear friend ✨

        Liked by 1 person

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