The Best Christmas Present Ever

My Christmas has been pretty dull for… decades. It is scary to say decades, because it makes me realise I’m turning 30 in a couple of months. As a sensitive kid I learned early that some families are tricky, or at least mine is. I became aware that people in my family would smile to each other but also dissipate a passive-aggressive comment whenever they could get a chance to. Just like a sponge, I would absorb not only the comment but also the invisible threads of hard feelings.

Before I moved abroad, the usual deal was to spend Christmas eve and Christmas’ lunch at my grandparents. My mother’s sisters and their families would gather there too. My mother was never happy during those gatherings and I could feel all her negative emotions. I took them as mine because at that time I didn’t know I had this ‘skill’ of absorbing people’s feelings, and a little kid can’t hold that amount of unhappiness and bitterness. After I turned 18, I promised myself many times that “next Christmas would be different”, that I would swap that soul destroying experience for a night out with homeless people. The courage to trade the pain for the unknown never came though as I would always feel hopeful that maybe this time things would be different.

When I left the country, my mother made the decision of never being present for another Christmas’ lunch at my grandmother’s. She set the deal to only be there on Christmas eve, which basically includes having dinner and returning home by 9pm. Dinner and lunch were dull anyway, but my mother’s decision forced me and my brother to choose between two dull options: reject my mother’s decision and have lunch with our remaining family or stay with my mother and have no Christmas lunch experience, because that’s what has happened since and that’s what happened again this year (we ended up in a restaurant for lunch… and same for dinner).

Maybe it is childish of me to be sad about this. I’m sure there are many people who would like to be in my shoes. On Christmas eve I had a warm bed to sleep in, my belly was full of food and sweets, but I was emotionally starving. I’m a dreamer and I dream of a cozy Christmas. I’m glad I don’t even spend time on Facebook anymore because I would be exposed to happy families around a table and it would have been even more difficult to control my emotions. Look what I’m saying – I try to control them because I know if I don’t I will be forced to think things through and I will sit down crying over it. I don’t see the point of crying over it anymore but I still can’t avoid being sad and feel a tad heartbroken.

While I was trying to shut down and detach from these feelings, someone called and said he had written me a poem. My eyes are teary from rewinding it in my head now, but I have to first tell you the stupidest thing I did. I didn’t know what the poem would exactly say but I knew for sure I wouldn’t be able to keep the call without crying. And I didn’t want to cry because I didn’t want to explain myself and let my Christmas drama screw what was light and beautiful. Therefore, I asked him if he could hold the poem for a while. There was this incredible, talented, strong, handsome, sensitive, soulful and intelligent man on the other side telling he had written me a poem as a gift and I told him to w-a-i-t. So clumsily me.

You might well be asking what happened since my last post on relationships but to be honest I have been holding myself back and I have avoided writing about this Poet from another kingdom here. One of the main reasons I haven’t done it earlier is because I’m scared to be happy. I’m afraid to trust that the universe does want me to happy and whether it is my time to be happy. Did I heal enough? Am I ready? Do I finally know how to keep my own identity in a relationship? Or am I going to lose myself again? Have I learned what I need to learn about loving myself?

Over the past two years I have been documenting my love journey here. Every time I tried to move forward and felt happy after my long-term breakup, I saw myself dealing first with emotionally unavailable men, then with narcissistic abuse, and finally with the search for a man I didn’t know it would actually exist. Now that this man showed up, I’m scared to give in and I often find myself unable to say what my heart knows: he is my very special wish come true and his poem the best Christmas present ever. Yes, I manned up at some point and he bravely read me his heart. I melted into the chair afterwards and the heavy locks I carry in my heart have been slowly loosing up since then, letting the truth come out and the sunshine in.

15 thoughts on “The Best Christmas Present Ever

  1. This whole post is so vulnerable and beautiful. I’m sorry that you have not been treated right by most people from childhood on. It makes sense the fear you have towards opening up to this Poet, because you’ve been hurt by other men it’s scary to want to put your heart in someone else’s hands again. He sounds like a sensitive and kind soul from what you’ve described so far. That’s how my husband is too. I went through a lot of bad abusive relationships and then when I met him, I was a little hesitant but also felt his peaceful and loving energy which made me feel safe. Pay attention to how his energy affects yours, you’re a strong and aware woman 💕 you deserve someone who lets you shine as you are. I wish positive things for you!

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    1. Thank you beautiful ♥️ I’m sorry you went through a similar pattern too. I guess HSPs may have other ingredients (e.g. codependency) that attract this kind of negative experiences. I was feeling very light and happy, but a lot of karmic stuff has been released and things fell out of the wagon. I feel lost about this topic, but I also feel “I have me”, which in the past was not something so present. A lot of things to process, but I still want to believe the universe always brings us what we need 📦 Hope you had a wonderful start into the year and that you have been busy with even more beautiful DIYs 🤗😘😘

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      1. Thank you💕 I’m sorry you’re going through so much. It can be difficult to push through the hard experiences. You’re doing a great job working through the old patterns and releasing things that are hurtful. Just remember you’re worth happiness! You have a good heart and I know you’ll attract positive experiences because of it 🥰

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  2. My ❤️ goes out to you lovely lady. It makes me so sad to read about your childhood. But I also feel proud that you are aware of your surroundings, and do not allow yourself to become part of the same equation. Your poet sounds a beautiful soul. Words mean so much 💕 and the fact he found the courage to read the poem to you is just beautiful. I am pleased that you have let him in, and I am excited for you to see where this may lead. Take things at your pace and just see where things take you 💕🎄✨

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  3. Just because a ‘relationship’ tests us and brings challenges to us doesn’t mean it is wrong for us. I’m not talking about ‘abusive’ relationships, of course. Although, I must add what could seem a contradiction – even though my childhood was definitely quite ‘hair raising’, as was yours, dear Vanessa; it was a great strength builder for me. This, naturally, I can only say in retrospect; having worked through those experiences, and overcome.
    However, I do believe it would be, for me, a totally boring situation if my partner did not challenge me in ways that encouraged my growth, both mentally and emotionally.
    My man is gorgeous; I knew he was the one for me. I also knew that he would be the catalyst I needed to spur me on to greater maturity. This scared me silly! He reminded me so much of my father. There were many areas that tested me enormously!
    Today I can ‘stand my own ground’ because of him. I have learned to trust and be myself with another. I am stronger in all ways because of him. We can sit together and enjoy just being together. Then there are times when all I want is for him to leave me alone in peace.
    I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I am the woman I am today because of the challenges he presents and presented.
    Last evening we spent a few joy filled hours dancing; a wonderful metaphor for our relationship.
    xoxoxo

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      1. That’s so beautiful ❤️ Thank you. I didn’t have the right mindset to revisit this post and comments, but rereading your comment now ignited another flame of understanding. I had the same response as you dear Carolyn, and it scared me. Now I’m very confused about my own intuition at the time. I knew it would make me grow and that it would be a journey, but things somehow got twisted since then. It was also a test to my ESP, because I doubted my gifts again. This seems a whole new karmic level, one in which I stop being the little girl and step into my own power, while also learning how to stay patient and aware. Thank you my dear angel on earth, your words always mean a lot to me ❤️ To another year of shared thoughts, feelings, and lessons 💌 I’m very grateful for your presence dear Carolyn 💐

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  4. We all deserve to be happy, but it’s not always the easiest thing to let go and forget our (sometimes) toxic histories. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to go wrong. I think you have to be quite brave sometimes to be happy; it’s so easy to fall back into old obsessive thought or behavior patterns that did us wrong in the first place. I like to think that surrounded by the right people, anyone can open up and change their life course ❤️.

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    1. So true! ❤️ We get so conditioned by our negative past experiences that sometimes it takes the energy of the world to dismantle unhealthy patterns. It’s amazing how having the support of like-minded people can do, even if they are very, very far away from us. Life’s hardships become less heavy. Thank you 💐

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  5. I know the feeling of dull Christmas all too well. I managed to change it recently (the last 4-5 years) but only because most of my family members were also tired of all this Christmas drama. For some reason my mom was always unhappy as well, so my siblings and I had numerous conversations with her until we realised what was the problem for her and now our Christmases changed so much! Don’t beat yourself up for those feelings, everyone wants a movie-like Christmas.
    Ps. remember you are the one creating your own world, so if you want amazing Christmas next year make it your own.
    Dorota
    http://www.journalofdorota.com

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    1. Thank you lovely, for sharing your story! ❤️ I hope you had a lovely Christmas this year and a great start into the New Year 💐 Thank you for your kind words and motivation 😘

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  6. Your story just made me cry and honestly, tears are rolling out of my eyes. After reading all that, I still would say, let the bitterness go and create your own beautiful family. That the best thing to do. My mother often said in childhood to all of us siblings, “Don’t save bad experiences in your brain otherwise it will be turned into the garbage”. I never realized as a little girl what does that mean until I hear myself telling my kids the same thing…lol. Go for your own life and trust God! That’s the best. I pray for your better future girlfriend. Just start over not that it’s easy but I know you can do it. I have a quote I live my life by ” Life is tough but I am tougher”. Every time I fall behind in life, I hang that quote all over in my bedroom, bathroom kitchen wherever my eyes go….to help me to get out of the situations. If you will hold on to those memories Vanessa, you will never be able to move. May God bless you with never-ending happiness.

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    1. Noooo 😫, it wasn’t supposed to make you cry, but I do appreciate your connection with it ❤️ A big part of my life’s vision is exactly that, to create a beautiful family and raise healthy and happy kids 😊 I so want to be mom and you and your mom and such inspiring examples. You know it’s the little details and what’s invisible to the eye that makes a difference in people’s lives. Your mom has so many beautiful teachings, it makes me honestly want to meet her and savour as many lessons as I can! 😄 My faith in the divine has grown a lot. This year I’m very focused on following my path and ditch the fear. I love that quote and it has inspired me a lot over the last couple of days. My enormous gratitude to you, dear Bushra! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤️💐

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