I’m not sure where to start and I don’t even know how to name this blog entry. It’s the first one of this year and I had a different expectation of what I would be wanting to write about.
I think 2018 ended up in a very positive note. I walked long distances more or less in a daily basis, which was great to prepare my body for the more intense training that will come next. Walking also restored me to a more positive state of mind – if you don’t know, I was unable to feel positive emotions as a result of long exposure to intense stress. Moving back to Lisbon definitely helped me improve this as well as practising meditation more often, getting back in “my zone” by listening to several entrepreneurs, and taking photos of what I find beautiful.
Stress and unhappiness also had led me to binge eating again and to endless days in which I didn’t move out of bed. This made me gain weight and I think I don’t need to say more: I also started to feel worse about my body. I knew I would manage it as soon as I removed myself from what was destroying me – work environment, isolation and lack of joie de vivre -, but the truth is that it is a slow process.
With that said, I have been taking small steps to rescue my old self back since I came back to Lisbon. There were days in which I already felt like I had never stopped being who I was and I also met someone new who seemed to check all my secret boxes. Life suddenly became brighter. As G. usually says, I was literally flying, but just like Icarus I got reckless and I burned my wings too soon. I assumed I was safe and I was marvelled with what it seemed to me a perfect match. All came crashing down though, when I felt it wasn’t ok to be fat.
I’m again the fat girl. How funny. At least I’m not the super fat girl as I once was; I would say I’m chubby due to all the crisps, chocolates and muffins I ate over the second half of 2018, because I couldn’t bare my life anymore. What I’m not anymore for sure is that little girl who once had to face defencelessly mean comments like:
- Vanessas are normally pretty… and sexy. You are not.
- You are so fat that your cap doesn’t even fit on your head.
- Some girls are just great… but not attractive.
No, I’m not that girl who loved boys and suffered in secret because she had no chances. I’m not that girl anymore and I don’t want to be the girl who struggles endlessly with eating disorders because she is either too fat, or too thin.
Going from ugly duck to a swan in national television a couple of years back taught me too many precious lessons. It taught me that either fat or thin, I was never happy because I hated my body. It taught me that after losing all the weight, happiness didn’t come. It taught me that the pain of going through aesthetic surgeries were far greater than the amount of happiness I would experience in the end.
But most of all… it taught me we have to love ourselves first and then find someone to match the same amount of love we want to give us. And if we don’t love ourselves when we are at our shittiest version, we keep feeding the hate toward ourselves. And if we keep hating ourselves, we keep unhappy. And that’s something I’m done with being. I want to love myself entirely and receive a big love, because I now believe I deserve it. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I’m choosing to love myself while I have extra fat in my body and I can’t be sorry for being fat.
I also need to make decisions that honour the little girl inside me who was once super fat and didn’t know how to stand up in the world. I need to tell people that it’s not ok to only embrace others by half of what they are. This year is going to be the year I should have had a long time ago. It’s the year I’m going to be by myself but also have fun. It’s the year I’m going to work hard on my weaknesses and try to overcome my deepest fears. This is the year in which I will say my life was never the same afterwards, and that I found the love I’m looking for, a love that will take care of me fat, thin, with or without make up.
PS: I know I sound angry, but angry is a good feeling too and it means I can feel again. As Bushra said on my last post, life is tough, but we are tougher.
PS2: I need to catch with all the comments on my previous post, but I honestly don’t have my mind in the right place to address those yet. I will catch up with reading your blogs first ❤
PS3: Happy New Year, my beautiful people. I’m sorry for the lack of contact over the past few days ❤❤