I wanted to briefly say what has been going on and what is the current state of life on this side of the screen. I started adding “PS’s” one after another on my last blog post and each one of them were getting bigger and bigger so I decided the best thing to do was to copy/paste all the information and create a new post for it. So, simply put, that’s what this post will be about… a life update after my anger bursts.
I have been “out of order” on social media. There are a couple of thoughts I want to write about it sometime but before letting that creativity juice flow, I want to reply to pendant messages and comments first as a way to practise self-regulation and cultivate Love. I have this tendency to postpone thoughts and comments, sometimes I just come in and I write, and I write, and I write, then leave. You might say there is nothing wrong with that, but I think there is. I’m not writing in vacuum and you, who is now reading this, are not a machine. Neither am I, so I think I should review the way I blog and the way I manage to catch up with the outcomes of blogging which require me to be more present and do a better job at how I manage publications, comments, e-mails, and everything that this blog entails.
Maybe you will also say I’m taking this too seriously, but honestly this blog is the only project I have kept my hands for so long and I do love it. So if I do love it and all that it entails then I think I should apply to it what I concluded on my latest blog post about Love. I need to be more steady and create space for Love. Ok, my own talk is sounding a lot “crazy” even to myself, but this is what I feel guided to say, so I just said it.
Tomorrow I’m going to book another medical appointment. I am finally taking my physical health seriously. I’m worried there will be something wrong with my ovaries but worry, stress and anxiety have been exactly the cause of my multiple health problems over the past years, so I won’t indulge in unnecessary thoughts. I developed a pulmonary infection and I have from time to time a “stabbing feeling” on my right ovary. Thankfully, there hasn’t been signs of back pain or leg numbness. I swear I don’t understand my own organism, or maybe I do and I just don’t want to see it. If there is something to teach in the future is that long and repeated exposure to extreme stress transforms your body in a sickness box: you never know what you are going to get next.
My lungs are still flooded, but on Wednesday I’m flying to London and on Thursday I’m going to have “the talk” with my supervisor. I have also decided that it is not a good idea to move back there and move in with G., but I don’t know how the cards will play out and I have to accept that. One day at a time. My heart knows I need to be careful and not let myself be manipulated or let my weaknesses be wrongly explored. Love is not about controlling anyone; love is always about respecting where the other stands and that’s what I have to communicate to both my supervisor and G. I need to tell my truth so I can be released from my self-imposed ill health. I need to live accordingly to myself and stop giving away the wheel.
So am I excited to go back to England? I would like to say yes, but I’m not entirely. I’m excited about going there and bring my stuff with me. My blazers, my yellow shoes, my suit trousers, my dresses, my leather jacket. I’m happy to see G. too, but I also feel guilty sometimes for not being able to share from his feelings. It’s something I need to heal and make peace with, just like I made peace with the last time my feelings weren’t matched. No one can be happy by living against their truth and it’s exactly to mend that that I’m returning to England for two weeks. I’m going there to share my truth about what I feel and how my expectations and needs weren’t met. My hope is that the truth will set me free from all these self-imposed health problems. I don’t know if I’m downgrading or upgrading; all I know is that I have to do this now, because the next confident step in life will only be revealed to me afterwards.