Bad looking, smelly, and clearly looking like someone who hadn’t had her beauty sleep, that’s how I showed up on campus. I had only one goal so I didn’t care at all about the way I was looking or the chance of bumping into people who would possibly see the worst version of me. Screw that. If I could, I would have had a good night’s sleep and a good, warm shower.
I was fairly prepared and focused on not giving up my decision. I learned that dissimulation is something ever present within a couple of people I attracted into my life – sometimes you are treated like a star, other times you are treated like you are less than a piece of meat. If you don’t know your worth, you often end up experiencing the emptiness of human invisibility. We definitely also have a quota of power on how others relate with us and I have rarely used my quota.
I am now aware that dissimulation is a relationship dynamic and as such you are only subjected to it if you don’t know and if you don’t have your boundaries well defined. My boundaries wouldn’t be broken once again though, because the cost of blind kindness has been very high and my body as well as my mind can’t keep taking more of it. Not knowing, however, how I would be received still made me shaky and I did need a glass of water to make through the meeting.
When I sat on the couch I felt I didn’t have nothing left but my truth and that’s what needed to be told. There was no point or need to succumb in anxiety. There was no point in fearing any outcome. I just needed to tell my story, voice my needs and share my plan to finish the undone. Luckily, it was a good day and the meeting went pretty well. One or two swords emerged but I manage to avoid them by simply putting my heart on the table.
I no longer feel like I’m living through a glass window, trying hard to look good on the outside, nodding and smiling. I no longer feel alienated because I spoke the truth and I stood in the battlefield with arms wide open and with my war tools laying on the ground. There was no shame or guilt either. There was no sense of defeat. It was all done.
Life is always easier if we tell the truth. I don’t say it is not scary or hard-working to live that way. We often don’t say the truth because our ego thinks we need to show up strong and put together. We believe we are supposed to be tough because that’s what everyone tells us. “Toughen up!”.I now find that telling the truth is a greater sign of strength. To stand up naked in the world with your heart on the table requires you to surrender to the uncertain, to the unknown… but it also blesses you with a greater easiness, with a greater dose of inner peace.
So it’s the end of it folks. The story of living unhappy and burned out for the last three years and half was told beyond this blog yesterday. Now it’s time to find out how I will build my way towards my passions and how I will transform this story into something useful for someone else. I need to physically recover from the mental exhaustion and it will take a long time to address all the consequences of these last years. That’s all what I’m concentrated on though so I’m sure that at some point the aches and the symptoms will go away. Thank you for being on that side of the screen. Blogging saved me from worse.
I’m going to move from this coffee shop, buy some ingredients and make a vegetarian meal from my cooking e-book for me and G. I’m also going to buy flowers and put them in a jar I just bought. I need to give myself a haircut, dye my white hairs, buy a new pair of Nikes, go through the clothes I left behind and eventually go for a walk in the woods to keep decompressing.