As someone who loves learning as much as breathing and eating chocolate, it has always been hard to pick a one-way path in life. It has always been hard to pick only one Psychology niche to work with and it has always been hard to find only one meaningful job. I like variety, complexity, and having a creative soul doesn’t make it easier. Work aside though, the same has always been true regarding my personal life. I feel like I am so many things, in so many different ways. It’s a bit like Brooks’ song:
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
I don’t do in betweens and I don’t want to be other way than this. I struggled all my life to fit in though. Yes, I did. I struggled to embrace and accept that I’m a unicorn and therefore, even if I manage to hide the horn in the middle of my forehead, I will never be able to fully be a horse or a donkey. Trying to do so was a painful experience and if it weren’t for the precious lessons I would add it was a waste of time.
At the time though, I couldn’t see I was a unicorn, just like in the fable of the eagle raised by chickens. I would feel misplaced and be always trying to find myself. The journey seemed a never-ending story. “Who am I?”, “What’s my mission?”, “What’s my role?”. I searched and searched for answers. I wrote my heart out for years with the hope to find myself a bit more. It worked, but I didn’t find what I was expecting to find. Actually, how can you find something that was there all the time?
I mean… I spent so much time working throughout my confusion that I couldn’t see that who I was looking for was already there with me. I was already there. It had been pointless to seek myself elsewhere. Not entirely pointless, I love learning, but you and I know that while we venture ourselves out in a self-discovery journey we rarely look within. We seek outside of ourselves when in fact we just needed to be. To relax and give ourselves permission to express every single part of us that we were once instructed to suppress.
I’m a unicorn and I wear yellow shoes, and red boots, and I paint my emotions, and I make love with food, and I like to savour my wine, and I let myself get lost in the woods, and I have wild hair, and I’m messy, and I’m eager for life, and I need to accept that there is nothing wrong with that because human beings are unique and therefore diverse. We need to stop trying to fit in because that’s what made us lose sight of we are in the first place. You are there. Where the hell do you think you are going to find yourself? Bali certainly is a great place, India too, but why are you solely going there to find yourself when you can actually find yourself right now and then enjoy the trip by mindfully connecting with locals and experiencing other cultures? Like literally stopping the “me, me, me” self-talk?
For me finding myself has been more about self-acceptance and self-worth than actually finding out what makes me temporarily happy or entertained or contented. I wanted to publish a book about happiness this March and while I was trying to edit it I realised I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t finish it before finding myself and making myself happy. But guess what, there is nothing out there that will tell me who I am and there is nothing out there that will keep me happy forever and ever. So why keep following carrots in a stick when we were born farmers? And if you are a freaking unicorn too, enjoy this ride and LET YOURSELF BE! If you are a horse, then be a horse. And if you are a donkey, then be a donkey. Just don’t waste your heart and time trying to be who you are not or fooling yourself to go on a never-ending journey that will only give you a few glimpses of who you are but which will never, ever, ever really ground yourself as a person.