On my last blogpost, I mentioned that I don’t know how I feel about love at the moment. I think I’m waiting to know in time whether falling in love is an immediate experience or something that can emerge synthetically. My inner compass tells me that you always know beforehand whether there is the potential to romantically love someone or not. Nonetheless, I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
There is a man who keeps telling me that he loves me, but I don’t seem to be able to love him back in the same frequency. I love him as a person, but our interaction is not effortless. We like different music, we have different interests, and we don’t get each other at the soul level. We speak about the way each of us perceive God and how life unfolds, but I have never felt my brain and heart sparkle like it did before. More often than not, I feel there is a barrier between us, some sort of disconnection which makes me remember of someone else I don’t want to be remembered.
The disconnection makes me uncomfortable and achy. I tell myself that maybe I can learn to love him deeply, if I let go my need of being understood at a deeper level. That’s something I used to feel with the other person. We were miles and miles apart, and we never really met face-to-face, but there was never a dull moment and silent moments were naturally welcomed. Obviously it didn’t end well, but it is curious how such things can happen and how stupidly they create a point of reference in our lives. The connection with that person showed me how I want to communicate and feel about someone, but it also taught me that I should be more careful with the fact that words don’t always match with someone’s current level of consciousness.
These thoughts have evoked bittersweet feelings and I have been honestly (and literally) trying to eat them. I have been telling myself that everything is alright as it is, but I’m not sure if this is the attitude I should embrace. A big part of me wants to rationalise everything and put everything in boxes. I see myself wanting answers and too impatient to wait another lifetime for them. Tonight I will just sleep my heart away and be grateful for that man’s love. It makes me sad that I can’t receive it with my heart fully open. That confuses me a lot and he knows it. I hope time and God can grant me some clarity in a near future.
I know what you are thinking. I already have the answers within me. I’m fighting them really hard due to my own pride and fear. I’m battling with my own brain and heart. I’m trying to erase flashbacks and I’m telling myself to hold on strongly to the “right path”, the path of loving those who love you and not looking for those who don’t. This reminds me somehow of Conan Osiris’ Eurovision 2019 song.
And if I break the phone?Conan Osiris
I will only break what’s mine
I will see if I stop longing
When it comes around, who dies is me
Who kills he who kills?
I don’t even know
Nothing ever came from snitching
I would break phones
But I will not break mine again
I know that the longing is dead
It was me who sent the arrow
It was me who sent the arrow
I sent the arrow. I broke the phone. And yet there still is longing (saudade) beyond logic. It didn’t die; it keeps mysteriously alive. Perhaps it’s not the longing for someone who is gone but rather the longing for something I knew to be close to my beloved. What the hell am I going to do with that, I don’t know. Maybe I just let it be.