The Two Legged Monsters

The further away I get from the university’s environment, the closer I get to feel a fully functional human being again. I can appreciate the laughs for no reason, the simple conversations about everyday life, and the ability of being present, of being there for myself and others. The further away I get, however, the bigger the gap between him and me.

I never thought I would be one day crying over this, but I am. I can’t quite tell if I feel sorry for us, for me, or for him. I think I feel sorry for the fact I once got myself so deep into it. And I feel sorry for him because I feel he’s now gradually walking the same path that transformed me into a two-leg monster. And perhaps I feel sorry for us, since I’m not sure if we’re supposed to survive together. I don’t feel like a monster anymore and my vision is no longer grey.

He’s allowing me to see the wrong things I did and the things that I didn’t notice. It’s ugly. The absence in critical moments, the unintentional impatience, and the idea that people matter less than whatever we’re doing between the walls of a laboratory. Once inside of it, we don’t seem to be aware of the amount of life we miss when we become oblivious of what matters most.

I feel selfish for feeling sad and I feel sad for feeling unable to ever go back to the other side of the fence. On that side of the fence, I could speak the same language he now does. I could be a doctor and sound as smart as you can be when your everyday life is about proving yourself by diminishing others. On that side of the fence, I would lose again touch with the collective and yet be lonely together with a few ‘privileged’ people who will correct me whenever I say divide instead of share.

I’m perhaps crying over it because I can see it coming and I’m not sure about how painful it will be. I’m not sure if I can take it as I’m not sure whether I can keep increasing my tolerance to what my soul incessantly tells not to be the way things should be. My soul doesn’t believe in pain and constant sacrifice as a way to live. From the time I lived like that I know nothing but a good range of disease.

We’re slowly falling apart and I feel very sad about it, but I’m not crossing over to the other side ever again. I hope I will have the clarity to manage it and the serenity to know what to do when little knives come right at me. I know it’s another big lesson from the universe, even though I haven’t understood the learning goals. In the meantime, I must remind myself that whatever happens, I always had and I always will have myself. And that self doesn’t want to become the monster it once was.

11 thoughts on “The Two Legged Monsters

  1. Everything we go through in life is for a reason. It might not be clear as to why now but it will be eventually. The Universe is putting you where you need to be to live a life full of happiness and harmony like you deserve.
    Your a wondeful writer.
    Sending love and light.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s not the same thing but I also left a whole world behind because there was a day my whole life changed and I never went back to The Office… I understand about the distance you are feeling.
    Your posts are always sooooooo poetic.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish this kind of changes wouldn’t leave such an imprint in our soul. The last day I went by my office to take back my belongings I started having a panic attack two miles away πŸ˜‚ I believe whatever happens has a greater reason but going through the motions is harsh sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

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