People Come… and People Go


Disclaimer: 
This is a chapter of a new book I’m working on. I’m writing as much as I can everyday for about an 1h and I decided to share the unedited versions here on the blog. If you’re on Twitter and you need motivation to write, I’m hosting a virtual writing session (#ShutUpAndWriteTwitter) from Monday to Friday at 10pm, London time.

Some people are quite good at maintaining friendships. Some even keep friends from their childhood or teenage years. Others, however, don’t seem to be so lucky. Instead of long lasting friendships they are more prone to have people walking in and out of their lives – people may stay over for a season, but never for more than that.

I definitely belong to the last group of people I just described. I used to think this was probably a sign that there was something wrong with me. I thought there was probably something I needed to fix in order to have long lasting friends in my life like everybody else seemed to have, because that’s what I thought reality was like. Today, when I think about it, I don’t feel the same way. I actually recall the words of a psychology professor I had during my undergraduate years. He cynically told us that the friends we were making there, at the university, wouldn’t probably last beyond our graduation. It rang true to me, I could see that coming for me… and yet I was shocked.

It seems we, humans, are quite good at idealising relationships and believing that friendships are meant to last forever. Who never wished to have a group of people gathered around a coffee table like in the so famous TV show ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’? I know I would love to have something like that in my life, and probably you would too. I have made, however, peace with the fact that I’m the kind of person who is constantly changing and, therefore, it’s hard to keep the same people next to me as the years go by. It saddens me a little, but that has been my reality: one day I’m here, another day I might be somewhere else.

I feel grateful for all the teachers that came into my life though, and who left me with a little bit more of wisdom. I can’t deny, however, that it would be nice to have one or two people with whom I could count on throughout my entire life. It would be nice to have one or two people with more or less the same mindset to lift me up when I don’t want to get out of bed. It would be nice to have one or two people I could rely on. It would be nice.

In recent years I have worked hard on myself to overcome this ideal. I have worked hard on accepting reality as it is and on becoming the person I would like to have by my side. I have been working hard on pushing myself out of bed when there is only darkness inside my head. I have put in the effort to be my best buddy because I finally embraced the fact that I can’t control who is going to stay and who is going to leave. I have to meet such uncertainty with a certain degree of detachment and knowing that, more often than not, is never personal.

I, myself, have been a wanderer in people’s lives, if I’m totally honest here. I didn’t do a great job at explaining myself and I was rarely able to express my own needs. Instead, I waited for people to figure myself out. I waited silently for them to realise and correct their own behaviour. When they failed to do so, I chose to walk away. I chose to give up and I cut people out of my life, blaming them for everything. I took the easiest route. What a selfish and self-absorbed attitude.

Today, I try to do things differently. I try to be more responsible for myself and my relationships. No, I wouldn’t like to repair any relationship from the past, because I had very little to do with them in the first place. I would actually force myself into relating to people as they appeared in my life because I thought I had no choice. I let myself be trapped by the idea that I had to open my door to anyone who showed up at my doorstep. I thought I had to be complacent with people’s behaviour, even if that meant to be under emotional abuse. I could have, however, done better.

At that time though, I wasn’t able at all to look at myself and acknowledge my worth or my needs. I tolerated everything, because I was afraid to be left out alone. What good can it do to be together alone, anyway? After a good dose of suffering, being alone became a blessing. I gave myself a moment to reflect on what I had to change to be happier on a day to day basis. Learning to be by myself was one of those thins and it still is a lesson in progress. Among the things I changed are the fact that I no longer please or lose much time with people that are no good for me; I no longer settle for crumbs when what I crave are meaningful bonds, even if that means to spend time alone for now.

20 thoughts on “People Come… and People Go

  1. This rings true for me as well. And don’t we all want friendships like Rachel and Monica ugh. I think when you go through many periods of change, you go through many friend groups as well. My kids are my besties nowadays lol can’t get rid of them even if I tried 😝

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  2. Great writing. I have experienced the same thing. It used to make me sad when I’d lose friends I thought would stick around until I realized not everyone is meant to stay.

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    1. Thank you, Leslie! ♥️ It’s indeed sad, but it’s a sign we’re human after all, isn’t it… in an ideal world, we would stay altogether. It’s nice to see that this might just be a natural and common experience, it takes away a little bit of the sadness, I think. Thank you for sharing yours!

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  3. I look back to my old school yearbooks sometimes to remember the people that wrote “BFF 4-ever” all of the page. We really believed we’d never part!! So many things change as we grow up, though. Great chapter!!

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    1. That’s definitely sad but I couldn’t avoid but giggle with the way you said it 😄 How didn’t I remember the “BFF e-ever” thing 😆 I see so many ‘fake stuff’ in social media that it’s definitely uplifting to see that other people went through the same experience. Thanks for sharing! ♥️

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  4. Friendships definitely come and go and I think people do come into our lives for a short period and then leave again. We grow and change and sometimes it can be hard to keep those in our journey but then again, sometimes it is better to let them go. It is funny how sometimes we feel we should make friends and force it. But it never works. Always be true to you and friends will be genuine and real. Looking forward to this book! xx

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    1. True. I did it first as an unconscious people pleaser and later as a semi-awake people pleaser. I just wonder sometimes about friendships and love, since things don’t have worked out very well. My brother, for instances, keeps the same friends from middle school until today. I guess personality plays a big role, he’s probably 99% agreeable and 27% neurotic, and I’m probably 27% agreeable and 99% neurotic, hehe. Doesn’t help that I don’t have the patience to talk about the last youtube hit or to listen about the last dreamy vacation people had, but I will stick to being myself (: xx

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  5. Aw, the good thing about friendships that come and go is that maybe we will be lucky enough to meet new people, make new friends and discoveries and form new bonds in the future. And maybe some of those will last. Exciting things to come 🙂 I have only started to feel like this recently and it’s maybe partly through reading a few blogs and beginning to feel part of a whole new community – and even if it’s an online community, it shows the wealth of humankind out there 🙂

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    1. I like to believe that’s true – in friendships and love -, the next ‘batch’ of people is usually better than the last. Oh my god, this must sound terrible saying it this way… I’m with you, I’ve found more people alike through blogs and that gives me some sense of ‘oh, I’m not the only weird person who thinks this or lives that’. Sometimes it’s just a bit heartbreaking when we turn off the computer and we can’t have a cup of coffee with those people 🙂 xx //////// Hope this astrology changes soon because I’ve been way too sentimental.

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  6. I love it. You said, after a good dose of suffering you enjoy being alone. That’s one of the benefits I’ve found after surviving my Ordeal (suddenly ghosted by husband after 29 years). After the hurting stops, you’re so thrilled to be out of pain that you enjoy your own company—realizing that you don’t have to run constantly and have someone with you to find peace. The Committee In Your Head stops interrupting, and you wonder why it had to take all that to look within and enjoy ‘being’ instead of ‘doing’ all the time. At least that’s my experience. Great blog. Be well, Reign

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    1. Thank you for your loving feedback, Reign, and for sharing your experience. I’m sorry you had to go through that harsh experience, I can’t even imagine how you must have felt. I’m like that too, it takes SO LONG to learn some particular things… but maybe that’s our timing. I’m glad you can now enjoy your own company – the cycle of looking for someone else is a rollercoaster. Sending much love x

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  7. This resonates with me for a number of reasons. As well as having my share of ‘fair weather’ friends, I’ve had a fairly mobile life. On the plus, living in different parts of the world is exciting and an adventure. The downside to this is you don’t have strong roots. When you’re an expat, you know the friends you make will eventually leave or you will. The ones that keep in touch are few – life moves on and distances are far. But when you do have those few connections that you can pick up even after months apart – that’s something special! Also agree, it’s so important to be able to spend time with yourself and be happy. 😊

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    1. Oh, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It means a lot. I was nodding yes to everything you said. It’s really special when we somehow manage to keep the connections ❤ I'm confident we'll end up finding our special number of people.

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