This Thing, Called Love

I am shivering from cold after letting a few tears roll down. I don’t know why I feel cold but it feels like I’m wearing a special suit made of lizard’s blood. Today is one of those days in which the barrier that separates me from everything else is broken, so anything can easily become a nail, ready to pierce my skin, head and heart.

The lack of a reassuring presence in my life right now is eating me out and my thoughts go back and forth, confusing me even more about how to get rid of a certain dose of unwillingness to live. It’s not what you are thinking. I don’t want to die. Actually, I want to live. The trouble is that for me life without love doesn’t seem to make much sense. Not having someone to love and to be loved back is definitely something that takes life out of me. It’s like I need that to feel alive, as pathetic as that may sound. So in an effort to understand this feeling, I get myself thinking about how my relationship with love has changed, or not, over the years.

I grew up as the shy, fat girl who had to love in secret. I would be a guy’s confident and exam-saviour, just for the thrill of having them speaking to me. Otherwise, they wouldn’t. I was the nice, smart and fat girl, and I wasn’t very happy with that, but I assumed that was my life. As a result, I stuffed all my feelings inside and developed the belief that it wasn’t possible to be loved back by any guy because of the way I looked.

Later in life, I lost weight and I started looking like a model as people used to say. I remained immune to their words, because my belief was stronger and still there: I am unlovable. This is where the conflict begins: I need love to feel alive and yet I believe I’m not lovable. This contradiction led me to a never ending number of abusive relationships, because I wanted love but I also unconsciously wanted to confirm that the belief of not being lovable was true.

My parents didn’t do a good job either on making me feel secure and lovable. My mother kept us at an arm-length and my father isn’t good at expressing himself. So I have been looking for love all these years and sabotaging myself at the same time. Usually, my experiences with love are one of three:

  • I’m in love with someone who is not emotionally available
  • Someone is in love with me and I can’t reciprocate
  • I force myself to love someone who says to be in love with me

None of these situations has turned out good. Loving someone who is not emotionally available made me be less impulsive and less open to meet new people. In other words, it made me more detached from love and hopeless. Forcing myself to love someone who says to be in love with me has always turned out in self-torture and a deep questioning of whether I will ever love and be loved back. I’m still here, wondering about that.

When I thought I had found the one, it was taken away from me, opening old wounds I didn’t think were still a problem. I assessed the situation and did my best to forget it. My assessment resulted in assuming that I had been stupid. If I forgot it or not, I can’t say, but afterwards I thought I maybe had to try harder and learn to love those who loved me in the first place. I assumed I was definitely the problem and was probably turned off by people who loved me. If you have read my latest posts, you probably know it hasn’t worked well and I do think I have been an idiot for assuming that I’m the problem.

I don’t feel like meeting anyone new now and yet I miss the experience of romantic love. My mind keeps playing the episodes in which I almost got it and then lost it. There is a considerable stack of attempts and failures. Plus, it has been so much harder to fall in love in the last couple of years as well. Going on an app is out of question and going to a bar doesn’t sound very much like me either. Do I really want to meet someone else right now? I honestly don’t think so. I just miss the good, no-drama bits.

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23 thoughts on “This Thing, Called Love

  1. I think so many of us can relate to your feelings. But in my experience (and I see it over and over with my friends), you will not meet the right person until you fully accept the idea of being alone. A terrible and ironic paradox, I know, but it just seems to happen that way. And you will not meet him in a place or at a time when you expect to, so you can stop looking. I’m sorry to sound like a cliche, but you do need to learn to love yourself first (a lifelong mission, I’m afraid). And remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and loved more than you know. You can do this!!

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Very brave post. I hope you have some good friends who support you. Surrounding yourself with people who love you (not romantically) will help build your confidence and sense of self worth. You ARE worthy 💜 there’s an exercise you can try, 10,20,30 write down 10 things that are GREAT about yourself, go into detail. You’ll spend 20 minutes for 30 days, really dwelling on that list, re read it, add to it… I wish you the best

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Natasha, I really appreciate it. I think that’s a personal barrier for me because I don’t have that net support at the moment. I liked that exercise very much and I didn’t know about that one. I will do my best to put it into practice and I’m sure I will bring some results here on the blog 🙂 Sending love x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s hard, I know, but put yourself out there to meet friends, it helps if you’re in a town that has a running club or hiking club, or dragon boating or… whatever your interests may be, friends are out there just waiting to be made 💜

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  3. Wow! This is so very relatable! Life at times we think is so unfair as at times whatever good is to us is taken away but then there’s acceptance which makes us a more grateful for life and I feel it also gives us more opportunities to explore!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your post is really relatable; But what you feel right now, my suggestion is that, follow your playful heart. Don’t worry, you’ve got the experience whatever you are going through; I know it’s easy for you. God bless you🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂 That’s encouraging. Following my playfulness is a very important aspect for me and sometimes I see myself in situations that I don’t get the chance to myself entirely. So, I think this was a nudge from the universe… 🙂 🙏

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  5. This sounds like my story. I’ve been on all the ups and downs you explained, the truth of the matter is we all have a relatable story. I can say with out a doubt the best thing I’ve done after my divorce was to get to know “me”, the real me not the other half of a relationship me not the mother/daughter/grandmother me but who I really am what I like or don’t like. I didn’t date, I lived by myself by my own rules and what I wanted-finally. Fast forward 8 years and I was ready, I did the dating site and met my perfect match, not a perfect man by no means, but perfect for me. Take the time to get to know “you”.
    Peace
    Mary

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to this in some way. With all the bs that has happened with me it’s like I don’t even know what love or a relationship is anymore, and I as well have become numb to all of it. I remember when a girl asked me “What does being in love feel like,” and I honestly being remember. It’s like being in a Disney movie under a curse, and suddenly the the curse is broken and you don’t remember anything you did. I’m kind of tired of the whole thing. I’ve told my friends I’m either being punished for something I did in my past life, or someone put a curse on me lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, I remember feeling that. Don’t know what’s worst, feeling the void or the numbness. It used to be a very weird (and scary) feeling for me, so I focused on healing my heart (chakra). Now the challenge might be healing other things. I honestly think it’s all a mirror so we can see and identify what work we need to do in ourselves. I hate it, but it seems the way we unblock and evolve… Sending good vibes x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I think you have to let go of the idea of finding someone and focus on you, and continue to be the person you are and want to be. Put your energy into your writing, your clients and whatever makes you happy and smile both outwardly and inwardly. It is hard feeling alone and not lovable but take your time and think of what you truly want for yourself and from others. Go onward with your journey just being authentically you and along the way, people will notice you and you will attract friends and men with this quality and when you least expect it, it will happen, usually when you are being yourself and not guarded, showing your true inner and outer beauty. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This post is so relatable! I found that I was always looking for relationships then when they ended to make myself feel better I would look for another relationship. I met my boyfriend in work, in a horrid green uniform with no makeup and hair a mess (daily) and I honestly for the first time in my life wasn’t looking for anyone. You will find the love of your life and it will be when you aren’t looking for it when you accept that you are happy alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s such a beautiful story, Sarah ♥️ thank you for sharing. I’ve known that pattern too, it’s a very unhealthy one. I managed to stay out of it but I guess I never stopped looking in the back of my mind. Ah, a lot of work to do here… Thanks a lot for your support and inspiring story ♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This was 100% my experience too. I started to look at my own happiness. I did gratitudes and focused on what brought me joy. It took time and practice but it worked. I can genuinely say I really loved my life. Of course, that then was when I met my husband… x

    Liked by 1 person

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