I Know I’m Fat, Thank You


I finally did my blood tests this Monday. I postponed it for weeks and weeks, because I didn’t want to deal with what was waiting for me. Since I don’t know whether I’m returning to the UK this month, I kicked myself in the butt, gained courage, and there I went. I took a ride from my brother early morning and then walked for at 30 minutes or so. I thought I would die half way through it without breakfast, but we always manage to survive everything in the end. Actually, I have been allowing myself to take advantage of too many bad excuses.

Anyway, here was my problem: my family and I have gone to the same small clinic for almost thirty years. Whenever we need to do a physical exam, that’s where we go. This means we are as familiar to the people who work in there as they are to us. It’s usually a good thing these days, isn’t it? I appreciate that, in fact. They saw me growing up… which means they were also part of my weight loss journey when I was 15 years old. They saw me shredding the fat and becoming a fit chick. They saw me coming in every six months or so, between my obesity sessions at the hospital.

The last time I visited that clinic, I was still that fit chick. Today I’m almost 5 stones heavier and I’m conscious of the calamity. I gained 1,5 stones since the end of last February, the time I last returned from the UK. I shouldn’t, but I allowed myself to get fat in the aftermath of everything that happened while I lived in the UK. I allowed myself to have the joy of junk food and I fell into old bad habits that made me an obese child and teenager before. I let food substitute the overwhelming thoughts of not knowing what to do and how to put my life back together. So I ate everything: huge doses of ice-cream, big doses of cookies at 4am… And the truth is that it felt damn good.

I don’t feel ashamed of what I did, but I still I don’t want people to see me now. I don’t want to face their judgment. I don’t want to hear their comments. This Monday, however, I had no escape – Hadn’t you lose a lot of weight? Don’t let yourself get fat. I started a diet last summer and I already lost 2 stones! I never heard someone asking What happened in your life? or How do you feel with the change? It’s rather easier for people to judge you and (unintentionally?) make you feel like crap. I know I’m fat, thank you. Too fat, actually. Do people think we put on weight for the love of being fat? There is nothing delightful about being overweight or obese. You system gets clogged and the more you eat, the more you want to indulge. In other words, the sicker you become, and I know that too well for a fact.

I didn’t need someone to state me the obvious and make me self-conscious. Thankfully I’m in a much better place in terms of self-love, but what if I was still that 15 year-old girl? I would still be torturing myself over how bad the confrontation had been and how I could disguise my body better next time. Maybe a loose t-shirt with an even looser shirt on top? I can’t be bothered with that today anymore and I don’t want to replay any self-judgement script. What if I failed at something I was an expert on? I’m supposedly an expert on Mindfulness too and that doesn’t mean I’m able to remain mindful 24/7. Life happened and I can’t be ashamed of that. I can’t be ashamed of the collateral effects of the hell I lived through. I’m human. Possibly a fat unicorn. I’m concerned about my health, yes I am, and I’m working on stopping the madness, but I won’t let judgment be the killer of my inner peace. Fuck, no. Life has to be already fabulous as it is right now and not when I get myself on a size 8 jeans again.

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26 thoughts on “I Know I’m Fat, Thank You

  1. Thank you, this was just what I needed to hear, when my anxiety hits me I find myself unable to eat and loose weight to fast and I know even that is unhealthy. People can be so judgemental and now that I’m a healthy size 10 uk size I’m being told I’m fat. For years I listened to those judgemental comments and I was honestly miserable! Now I am living for me and to hell with those people. One can’t be mindful and positive all the time. We are all human after all. You are a beautiful woman. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being a 10 UK size sounds very healthy to me. Judgment from both ourselves and others is an awful energy. It really makes our life miserable if we embrace it for far too long. I’m happy you disconnected from it and I thank you wholeheartedly for sharing your experience and for your kind support. It does make a difference! 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Judgment and fear of being judged seem to be key in eating and body dysmorphia ‘disorders’. It’s really important to nurture and heal how we see ourselves as you said, that’s where the power to change lies. Thank you for sharing your experience, it means a lot to me to share ❤ xx

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  2. This is so true, nobody ever feels good being judged for their weight. I was overweight my entire teenage years with doctors always telling me to lose weight. It wasn’t until a few years later that I managed it and feel good… because I no longer visited those particular doctors who told me to lose weight. That’s not to say that people shouldn’t visit doctors, but finding the right one can be hard. Love yourself first, that’s the most important thing ❤️

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    1. Some people seem to have a special gift to find bad doctors (me included), hehe. I believe change comes from a place of kindness and gentleness. Being pressured to do something doesn’t seem to work out very well… Thank you for sharing your personal experience and for your kind support. It always means the world 🙂 ❤️

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  3. People need to stop judging and be more mindful of their words! Happiness is what is important.
    As long as your happy and healthy who cares!
    Love yourself your beautiful as you are.

    Alyssa
    THESACREDSPACEAP.COM

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can totally relate with you as I have been on the 30 lb yo yo since having kids…up 30, down 30 and so on. I definitely feel so much better when smaller but it is so hard to stay there and that’s where my self-discipline caves. The truth is we still are the same person inside whether we are a little fluffier or not. As I get older, I feel it is important to enjoy the place where we are at…life is too short to be miserable. One thing I like when I am heavier is that I have more physical strength (although my knee joints don’t like it much). I also like how my face is a little softer with a little added fluff. There are definitely positives for the upside.

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. Your comment brought me a good amount of giggles. “Life is too short to be miserable”, this definitely says it all. I like how you find the positives, that’s also life-changing. We spend far too much looking at reality as a source of problems rather than a source of solutions and assets. Sending love and thank you for brightening up my day ❤️

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  5. Please be kind to yourself. I’ve read enough of your writings here to know that you would never be so harsh with any of your readers or clients. You deserve to exercise the same compassion towards yourself. Whether it’s the scale, blood pressure reading, or any other health measurement — if the numbers are not ideal, just take a deep breath and resolve to do what you can about it. Nothing to stress over, nothing to demean yourself over. Others have said it, “You are beautiful — and not just on the outside.” A number on a scale doesn’t change that in any way, shape or form.

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  6. You are such a wonderful person. I think your happiness is what’s important – stay focused on you and what you want and stick two fingers up to those judgmental people! You are not your weight, you are who you want to be. xx

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    1. I miss England 🙂 always afraid to put two fingers up for victory and be perceived as rude, hehe. I’ve been doing that everyday now, meditating daily. I believe I’m finally creating the backbone I need to walk and direct myself. Thank you for your kind support and motivation! Xx

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  7. Your refusal to play the self-judgement script; to keep checking it, even when the going gets tough, is a sure sign of growth and self-awareness. You’re doing amazingly.

    Life would be so much simpler if we could see each others’ bodies and have no judgement enter our minds! The fear of that judgement about my own body is one of the hardest things that I’ve dealt with (and continue to deal with) personally. Just today, I looked myself in the mirror and squared up to that fear like a warrior entering battle. SO many of us are in similar boats- you really aren’t alone.

    The strength of your self-love will carry you through. Here’s to putting happiness first, and giving ourselves some grace x

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    1. Grace is such a beautiful word 🙂 Thank you for sharing your personal experience, it means the world. It seems we’re all conditioned to judge and we need such a good social reform in that department… it goes back to the labels, doesn’t it? 🙂 It’s funny that you mention the warrior mindset. I’ve been meditating on a daily basis these days, listening to Sarah Blondin. She has a meditation about the warrior self vs the infinite self. We’ve been putting the war mask to protect ourselves but it has also made us rusty and disconnected… embracing grace and peacefulness seems difficult but so refreshing… May we find our peaceful way to deal with it 😊 xx

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      1. Yes, it always comes back to labels, it seems! ☺️ That sounds like a cool meditation. I don’t know Sarah Blondin yet, but I’ll certainly check her out. The point you make about war/grace is a powerful one, and puts into words something I’ve been feeling for a very long time. I don’t want it to be a battle (shouldn’t think anyone does!)- nor does it have to be. Thank you for sharing; you’ve given me some food for thought xx

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  8. Thank you for this transparent and real post!

    Life is never cut and dry and we work harder-for our victories than ever is seen in social medial! Remember
    #nonresiatance #nonjudgement you #nomattachement

    Liked by 1 person

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