What Am I Really Missing?


I’m sitting at a crossroads. I don’t know which way to go because I don’t know where I really do want to go. I’m not bother with it, I think, at least not as I used to be. I accept that I don’t know what I really want to do and this uncertainty is probably a result of unfinished businesses which so stubbornly float in my mind from time to time. I observe them and I let them go, telling myself I can’t be bothered with it today. Maybe tomorrow.

Ah, I’m running away. I’m not going anywhere, I am not moving, and yet I do my best to escape what needs to be done. I have to sit down and wait for the shadows to come. I need to face them and calmly ask them what they need or want. Why didn’t they go away? So much time has flied by. They had time to pack and leave for good, but they didn’t. Neither did I. I’m writing from England, after deciding two weeks ago that I needed to come here and take care of what needs to be done. I’m at a crossroads though. I don’t feel good or happy here.

I recovered a great deal from my physical exhaustion since I arrived here. I have had more energy than I can remember and yet today something started crippling inside. I’m not happy. I’m grateful for having my brain back, I’m grateful for my level of awareness, I’m grateful for being able to wake up in the morning and move, I’m grateful for being able to go to the supermarket without having to make even one stop along the way. I’m very grateful for all this, beyond measure. It has been nice to remember how I was before. And yet… yesterday, when I sat down to make a self-assessment, I realised that something is missing, and I honestly don’t know what it is.

Perhaps it’s a stage of recovery. Probably it’s a phase, and maybe I’m not supposed to know what I’m missing right now. I asked this morning and I was flooded with images from people who certainly belong in the past but who probably still have something to teach me. What is it? The only obvious fact I can notice is that they have moved on with their lives. Why haven’t I? I make these questions from a place of curiosity, even mysticism, since something went suddenly off within myself and I don’t understand exactly what or why.

I’m thirsty for life, that’s what, but at the same time I’m at a crossroads. I don’t make a move. I don’t breakthrough. What is exactly stopping me? Why can’t I make a plan and simply stick to it? If last year was bad, I guess this year is the period of time in which I try to make sense of the pieces that I’m left with and the pieces which I struggle to let go. What’s happiness to me anyway? What do I need to feel satisfied with life? I’m sure answers will arrive when they are supposed to.

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33 thoughts on “What Am I Really Missing?

  1. I’m glad you are feeling physically better and understand your unrest. I feel lost and frustrated too sometimes (What’s my purpose? What does it all mean? Will I ever get to where I need to be?) It’s not always easy to ‘just enjoy the journey’ and ‘be in the present’. But at the same time, it’s so hard to define the right goals! Life seems to be whizzing by and I feel I’m hardly moving. Or one step forwards and two steps backwards…
    Look after yourself, Vanessa. I am sure the answers will fall into place in time… and show you the path you feel is yours. xx

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Those are exactly the questions that pop 😊 Many times I do feel I’m letting life passing by, in the sense that things don’t move forward in a good way (and for such a long time now). It has been exactly one step forward and two steps back… I have to appreciate the fact that physiologically things are being corrected. I suspect I have to (naturally) increase my serotonin levels and being back in Canterbury hasn’t done much for that bit. Reading your blog helps a lot! 🙂 xx

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      1. I am sure you have come further than you realise. You are such a kind and generous soul, a real force for good, loving thinkers and I always appreciate our exchanges. Thank you! And peace to you 🥰

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      2. Thank you ❤ You're right, the mind sometimes makes things blurry 🙂 and having people like you around here has always helped more than I can tell through words 😊 I still struggle to see my reflection and accept/cherish/focus on the good things about me and my life. I'm on it though, one day at a time (my mantra lately) 🥰

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  2. Let me start by saying thank you, Vanessa. Thank you for making me feel safe enough to unload all of the stuff that I hadn’t quite felt comfortable enough to share with anyone else. I appreciate that more than I can logically express right now. You were exactly where I needed you to be. 🙏🏾😘 I’ve watched you cheer, encourage, and support without expecting anything in return; selfless, you are. And empowering. My wish is that you could see how rare those qualities are and how abundant they are in you. I don’t have the answers you need, but I am confident that you will continue seeking them and allow your journey to lead you exactly where it’s supposed to, when it’s supposed to. Blessings. 🥰

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    1. I’m wordless 🙂 Thank you for all these beautiful feelings – I can’t say words since for it goes way beyond them. I’m the happiest when I feel others can have that experience, to feel safe to share their load and go through it as curious little kids whose heart is filled with love and wonder. Thank you for inspiring me, I appreciate people who wear their hearts when writing and relating to others. I definitely need some work on self-perception and see myself in a mirror to open other doors. I believe I’m progressing each day, although the mind can’t see it sometimes. Thank you for holding the mirror for me when I can’t 😊🥰

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  3. Powerful post, Vanessa! The emotion and sincerity, combined with great writing really had me engaged with your experience.

    I have also felt lost in recent years; like I’m not sure what to do in the next stage of life. I accomplished so many of the goals I set I. The first half of life and now I’m not sure what do next. I have no more goals. And part of me thinks that perhaps there is more to life than goal setting and achievement. Anyways.,, I’m searching; just not sure for exactly what.

    Based on your post, it seems like some of your experience parallels mine. I hope you keep sharing, as your post made me feel more connected. Thanks.

    Roger

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Roger 🙂 thank you 😊 These words mean so much. I agree with you, I too feel that there is more to life than goal setting and achievement… maybe a new sense of purpose? I think I often lose sight of what gives me purpose and that makes the ‘logical’ approach of goal setting and achievement fall apart somehow. There has been always one thing that has helped me overcome this sense of being lost – reading ‘The Little Prince’ and asking myself ‘What were your dreams when you were a kid?’. These two usually make me reconnect with some hidden lifeforce within. Maybe there is something as relevant for you if you look back and be a 5-year-old kid again? Thinking out loud here… and I will apply this thinking on myself next too 🙂 Thank you for sharing and connecting, it means a lot ❤

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      1. Thank you, Vanessa! I have never read “The Little Prince.” I will check it out. That’s a great idea; to reconnect with your childhood dreams. Perhaps that sort of reconnection allows us to access our truest selves. I have been reading a book called “Being You, Changing the World.” Part of the book that I have been connecting with focuses on remembering a few moments from your life where you felt the incredible lightness of being inescapably you; where there was none of the weight of life’s burdens and responsibilities.

        My personal story. My 20s and 30s were marked by unwavering motivation to learn whatever I could about music. It led me to a teaching position that I always wanted. But now my motivation is gone. There is no challenge. I enjoy teaching, but it’s easy. I have lost my hunger and my inquisitiveness.

        Should have made this a blog post! Lol!

        Roger

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve just downloaded the audiobook version of that book to listen tomorrow on a flight. It sounds like a very good read 🙂 I agree with that idea at least, of feeling and remembering the times we felt lighter. I think I understand how you see yourself now, maybe it’s like “ops, what now?”. There might be ways in which you can reinvent your music/teaching career, making it a bit ‘harder’ or challenging in the present. Have you tried to come up with a list of 10-out-of-the-box-things you could with your music knowledge? A music camp or challenge, using music to bring a community closer together… I’m thinking out loud, hope you don’t mind or find it counterproductive. I’m apparently good at solving other people’s puzzles and not so good at instructing myself, hehe. Thank you for the confidence and for sharing your story, I always learn a lot this way 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you, Vanessa! No problem at all. I really appreciate your advice. I’m definitely on automatic pilot to a certain degree with my teaching. I spent years learning from my mistakes and trying different pedagogical methods; refining my approach down to what I think is most effective. But then, like you said, a bit of “what now” setting in. But you’re right. There are always new approaches and methods to be explored. Just adopting a new textbook would turn my world upside down, but perhaps in the best possible way. Thank you once again!

        Roger

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  4. Thank you for opening on this topic and on your own struggles… Wellbeing could also be watching the fears as they pass by and letting them go? Accepting and forgiving the fact that moving forward also means not moving at times? At times I also feel this stillness… and what helps is knowing what makes me feel good and trying to practice these even if I dont want to… they are like my anchors… connecting with loved ones, speaking up… trying to go out, pampering myself… Well done for talking about it 💕💕💕 With love

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you 😊 I agree with you, wellbeing has to be about dealing, observing and sometimes letting struggles go by too… Sometimes it’s not time to move and we just have a harder time accepting that. I like to think I have a bit more patience today than I used to, but it’s still not easy to hang on in the moments when hard feelings come knocking 🥰 Thank you for your support and kind words, means a lot 💕

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  5. Very relatable. I’ve suffered this for a very long time. I still do actually. But I found that going out of your way to try different things might give you an idea of what you want to do.

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      1. There’s always the uglier option. The ‘A’ word… Acceptance. Which is coming to terms with who you are and whst you have. I call it ‘the uglier option’ because it is difficult to do but once you learn how to accept who and what you are, then you pretty much got it all worked out for ya.

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  6. Hello maam thank you for this really beautiful vlog. I am new to this world of blogging and i really dont noe how to proceed or what am i really missing to succeed . kindly help me out

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  7. I love your brutal honesty, despite the fact that these sorts of ideas and emotions can be very difficult to put into words 😊 I have often felt this way (at least one moment every day) so your feelings are not out of the ordinary. It is difficult in this world of achievement, goals, success etc to be okay with not moving or not having a direction. But it is my experience that times like these are not, in their nature, “inactive”. It is a natural part of life and healing to plateau and take time to consolidate things. And if you allow this process to take it’s course, suddenly a big shift will happen. But you have to let it. I liken it to waking up in the middle of the night – you can worry about it and create insomnia, or you can just close your eyes and wait for sleep to come, if it needs to. Don’t fight the plateau. Don’t try to force it. Just sit and wait. You have permission to sit and wait. We don’t need to be moving all the time. This is the place you need to be. And you are perfect as you are, where you are. And don’t worry so much about what others do or think, they are more f##ked up than you realise!
    PS. Do not underestimate the ripple effect of your blogs in this world – just because it is easy and natural for you, does not mean that it is not powerful and profound. Keep smiling! Go read a book… and wait quietly so the angels can whisper in your ear… 😇

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    1. Your words are spot on, thank you 😊 I’ve been on/off, between ‘trusting’ and literally demanding imediate answers. I’ve been trying to embrace more the plateau phases and stop feeling guilty or ashamed for not having the answers as I used to. I was commenting on this over dinner yesterday… I used to be able to see further away in time and now it’s like I’m only allowed to see bit by bit – that’s what I struggle to accept, hehe. And the ripple effects of what I do too, but it’s on my list of things to definitely work on 😊 Better times will come! It’s already good that I can function on a daily basis and be at least a little bit kinder to myself ❤

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  8. It is so difficult to have that feeling of no idea where to go and what to do and the direction to head off in. But I do believe that sometimes you just need to ‘be’ and let the thoughts and directions come later….we may be at the crossroads for a while. But you can’t force clarity in your mind. Your journey so far has been filled with so much and looking after yourself is super important. Just be kind to you. You are a great person with a true passion for life and learning and I love reading your posts. xx

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