I’m sitting at a crossroads. I don’t know which way to go because I don’t know where I really do want to go. I’m not bother with it, I think, at least not as I used to be. I accept that I don’t know what I really want to do and this uncertainty is probably a result of unfinished businesses which so stubbornly float in my mind from time to time. I observe them and I let them go, telling myself I can’t be bothered with it today. Maybe tomorrow.
Ah, I’m running away. I’m not going anywhere, I am not moving, and yet I do my best to escape what needs to be done. I have to sit down and wait for the shadows to come. I need to face them and calmly ask them what they need or want. Why didn’t they go away? So much time has flied by. They had time to pack and leave for good, but they didn’t. Neither did I. I’m writing from England, after deciding two weeks ago that I needed to come here and take care of what needs to be done. I’m at a crossroads though. I don’t feel good or happy here.
I recovered a great deal from my physical exhaustion since I arrived here. I have had more energy than I can remember and yet today something started crippling inside. I’m not happy. I’m grateful for having my brain back, I’m grateful for my level of awareness, I’m grateful for being able to wake up in the morning and move, I’m grateful for being able to go to the supermarket without having to make even one stop along the way. I’m very grateful for all this, beyond measure. It has been nice to remember how I was before. And yet… yesterday, when I sat down to make a self-assessment, I realised that something is missing, and I honestly don’t know what it is.
Perhaps it’s a stage of recovery. Probably it’s a phase, and maybe I’m not supposed to know what I’m missing right now. I asked this morning and I was flooded with images from people who certainly belong in the past but who probably still have something to teach me. What is it? The only obvious fact I can notice is that they have moved on with their lives. Why haven’t I? I make these questions from a place of curiosity, even mysticism, since something went suddenly off within myself and I don’t understand exactly what or why.
I’m thirsty for life, that’s what, but at the same time I’m at a crossroads. I don’t make a move. I don’t breakthrough. What is exactly stopping me? Why can’t I make a plan and simply stick to it? If last year was bad, I guess this year is the period of time in which I try to make sense of the pieces that I’m left with and the pieces which I struggle to let go. What’s happiness to me anyway? What do I need to feel satisfied with life? I’m sure answers will arrive when they are supposed to.