Written on April 4th 2015,
translated on October 29th 2019
I’m going to tell you a secret.
I never dreamt about being a mom when I was young like many other mothers. I used to dream about being independent, modern, owner of a career built by my own hands, without other people’s help or any amazing grace. I didn’t dream about having a family and I never imagined what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe because I didn’t want to be like the mothers in my family. In the picture I used to paint there was only just me and a big dog, a wall dressed with books and travelling memories. That was all, signs of a woman who lived life fully and who had accomplished many things.
However, one day, I fell in love with the idea of you and I realised, I guess, what it feels like to have a child – a feeling that there is a bigger love, beyond the love a person can have towards life.
And I fell in love with the idea of having you as my companion on those visits to the woods in which I sit on the ground full of dirt and mud just to capture a picture of the bee that is hiding in the lowest part of the bush. I fell in love with the idea of having countless adventures with you, those in which we try to make the impossible possible like catching the wind, that plays with our stubborn hair, in little colourful pots. I fell in love with the idea of sharing with you the most beautiful ideas through stories, just before you fall asleep staring your room’s ceiling full of stars and planets.
But most of all… I fell in love when you appeared to me in a dream and I listened your little voice filled with all the curiosity in the world. I heard you saying my mom is a teacher in such a way that made me feel that even if you didn’t know exactly what I did you were simply proud of me as your mom.
As a child, I grew up with the notion that I had to be and make things happen without holding on to the expectation of having someone proud of me. I actually fought against needing that. And yet, when you spoke those words, I felt you were proud of me.
For the first time, I want to become your reference and that’s the starting point to live according to my beliefs and way of being. You might not know it, but you’re also already my reference for the upcoming journey.