To Live A Dream Or Die Numb

I have this dream I tried to forget several times. It’s a wanderlust dream, a trip into the most beautiful places of a human heart. A safe haven where I know I can lie my head down and fall asleep like a newborn would in the warm arms of his mother. It’s a dream made of many blissful moments, eternal expressions of love and gentleness, between people who really care about each other.

I have been questioned many times about this dream and I have been advised to stop holding on to it so dearly, because life is what it is, a brief passage marked by suffering and punishment. It’s a trial, not a fun fair, and when I was younger, I would reply back and ask why did life have to be seen and lived from such a miserable perspective.

There were always answers coming my way, but none of them ever satiated my curiosity and inquiry. I was told that life isn’t easy for anyone, perfection doesn’t exist and we never get what we want. So, in a nutshell, it was easier to conform to life as it was and keep us safe from bigger troubles.

I was never really good at following rules that don’t make much sense to me so I never really bought these arguments. Instead, I always wandered and tested reality by simply allowing myself to dream whatever my soul would paint in my mind’s eye. I must recognise that it wasn’t the easiest choice and on that I give them credit for.

I tried and failed more than I can count. I eventually got tired and even started to think that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about it all. Maybe I should have listened to them. Maybe I shouldn’t envision what I would like to do with my life so much. Maybe I should conform and give up.

My willingness to be a dream builder slowly faded away at some point, and that’s when I started to die a little bit more each day. You see, chasing dreams was my life-force, the fuel that would keep me going and which would keep me alive in this crazy world. Once I convinced myself that I should live my life like anybody else… I wasn’t myself anymore.

I got a job that was the door to a promising career, but which made me really unhappy. I saved enough money to travel the world and yet I never felt like it. I tried to settle down twice with people who said to love me but with whom I had no soul connection with. I did try to adult as most people seem to but it literally cost me my life.

So yes, I’m a dream builder and that’s my soul’s nature. I’m made of possibilities and pathways. I tried to live life accordingly to what most people say to be the best way to live, but I’m not most people, and what works for them rarely works for me. That “great” career? Made me sick. That money? Never spent it! Those who said to love me? Were never really interested in knowing the “real” me!

I still do long for that beautiful and blissful place inside people’s hearts which can only be awakened by pure magic and free-thought. That’s what makes me tick! I dream with heart-warming nights and long-lasting hugs. I crave a love deeper and bigger than me… and I’m not going to give up until I find it, because that’s what gives my life a purpose.