I guess we can’t expect to be doing everything at once. There is a time to study, a time to work, a time to play, a time to write, a time to dream, a time to read, a time to breathe… and tonight I realised that I have been blogging but I haven’t been soul searching through writing, which was the main reason why I started blogging in the first place and, most of all, why I have kept writing all these years. This made me a little sad, like if somehow, for a second, I couldn’t recognise who I am becoming, because life has been moving really fast and I have consciously transformed myself in order to move forward and pursue my life vision.
While doing this, I’ve distanced myself from being with my thoughts and feelings though. I feel like I have been living, I have been busy, I have been happier, and yet I haven’t given myself the time to simply write my heart out and let my unconscious mind speak. In other words, I have pushed deeper emotions to a side and I haven’t been writing to find out how I feel or what I need to do next so that I can take a further step and move closer to the life I want to live. It’s true that life has been good to me lately, and that I’m in a much better place now – physically and mentally. However, I’m also reaching that stage in which I might just get too comfortable again and stop moving ahead.
Although I haven’t been writing about what’s on my mind and heart, the signs of life are always popping here and there. They are like little nudges letting me know that I must create the opportunity and the time to sit down and splat my being in a blank page. Where am I? Where am I going? What’s next? Do I want that? How do I get there? These are just some of the questions I need to ask myself and let my heart dictate what needs to come out through my fingertips. To be honest, I have been aware of the signs and I have been processing them to some extent. I can feel what’s coming next, but everything seems blurry until I write down what I can sense, word by word.
I know I have to breakthrough and move forward as a writer. I know I have to stop jeopardizing my career path and I also know I have to prepare myself to jump into foreign territory once again, in about a year’s time. I know that until I figure that part out, it won’t be the time to date or fall in love. First because I’m not in the right place to make it happen, and second because dating has always worked against my goals. Five years have past since my partner and I broke up, and I haven’t been happy with anyone in the meantime. Instead, I have been only pursuing relationships that are bound to fail and which have shaken me to the core. I’m alright by myself, but the fact is that I miss someone that I haven’t even met yet.
This weird feeling is definitely my number one weakness. It’s probably an ordinary problem among writers. I keep finding myself thinking about and longing for that one person that will simply come along effortlessly to share love. That’s probably the main reason why I have been avoiding to write freely. I knew I would end up right here, talking about the big elephant in the room which I try so hard to ignore on a daily basis. I struggle to admit that I’m ok by myself and yet I want someone to share my life with. I have been skipping the conversation with myself because I know that once a post is up there will be ready-made sentences about how love needs to find you and not the other way around, or that everything happens whenever you’re ready.
My mind already knows that but my heart misses the comfort and the intimacy of being on a relatively balanced relationship. Worse, it misses that person who is not going to complete me but who is going to be there to be my partner in crime. Someone whose presence and silence are enough to soothe my spirit. I crave that kind of connection and reality. And when I think that five years have past since my last glimpse of that, I do wonder if I will ever be allowed to share those feelings again. Oh right, I forgot this time of the year is our break-up anniversary. Maybe that’s why I dreamt about him last week and why I have been avoiding to write all-along. Maybe I didn’t want to remember and maybe my strange feelings of disconnection were all about that in the first place. And maybe I will be just find and back to normal by the end of next week.