Sooner or later, a blogger reaches this phase. It’s not the lack of ideas or emotions to write about, but our daily jobs that just take us over. We fail to keep the ritual of sitting down and of pouring our hearts out. Thankfully, this time my daily job has brought me incredible amounts of happiness and wellbeing. It hasn’t been like before, where I worked and worked without knowing where I was heading or why what I was doing was even relevant to the human kind. Right now I have a sense of meaningfulness and I have been busy at the same time with the kids at school. As a consequence, my writing has fallen behind here on the blog. Yes, there has been a blog post here and there, but they haven’t been personal. They haven’t been about exploring the darkest and lightest places of my writer’s soul.
Writing is my primary way of understanding the world. I know, it might seem odd to you. However, if I don’t write about my feelings and thoughts, the chance that I’m not going to fully grasp them is very high. Then, if I don’t understand them, life becomes even more chaotic and I get lost. I don’t know if this is something that all writers share, but it is surely something that has been part of me since my early teens. When I write from my heart, I’m connected with a higher power and I can see the bigger picture. When I don’t write at all, everything gets blurry and fear takes control.
I have flourished a lot since I started working in September. I had ended up feeling worthless and even handicapped at work when I was doing research and teaching at the university. My job was about using my head and sitting down in front of a computer, sometimes seven days a week. I used to stress over incoming emails every ten minutes and I could rarely see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today work is a blessing and I feel empowered about what I’m doing on a daily basis. My blogging has suffered and I have missed my writing therapy, but I do want to believe that in life everything has its own timing. I needed to feel confident again as a worker so that my life could move to another level.
And it surely has moved. Slowly, but steady. It has been almost impossible to take care of the blog in the morning, but I have managed to apply a basic makeup look and get out of the house in a decent outfit more often than not. I have packed my snacks and I have sacredly attended my bodybuilding sessions – except when traffic causes unexpected delays or my menstrual migraines hit me hard. I know I lost a few good inches so far, but I’m not tracking them. I’m stronger and I feel rooted in my own body. I can remain steady when the bus driver puts the breaks out of nowhere and I can hold raging kids in the playground without losing my balance. That’s something you won’t find out about when you step on a scale.
I think I have also been learning about being more patient with life’s own clock. Burnout taught me some lessons on it, but there has been a theme running on repeat in the last couple of weeks: I know very little about managing my own turbulence when I’m under fire. It’s like I learned how to do so earlier this year, when it comes to work, but I still don’t know how to do it when it comes to romantic feelings. Instead of dealing with them, I keep them away as much as I can. The problem is that feelings burst from time to time like a massive volcano and then life gets overwhelming confusing. I can forget the path I’m following and derail.
The good thing is that I’m conscious that I want to behave differently. I want to keep eating in a balanced way, I want to keep motivated to do my workouts, and I want my personality to keep shining through my makeup. I want to keep my laughs and smile. I want to keep myself safe and in a good place, until I figure out what is going on. It took a lot to get myself here this year. I don’t want to jeopardize that, so I need to reassure myself that the way out is to keep flying solo until I master my own wings and until I feel that no one is going to carelessly break them. I need to feel that and I only understood it right now, while I was typing down these words, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Actually, that must have been also the reason why I picked up the most massive military boots in the shop… I’m on self-protection mode.
God, it feels so heartwarming to share these words with you. I know it’s always a risk to share them – Who is reading them? How will they be interpreted? -, but my opinion about that remains the same. This is my space. This is where I come and go to make sense of my own being and I don’t want that to change. My writing is the only thing I never let anyone touch or change. You can mess with my feelings, but you are not going to mess with what I write. No one can take that away from me, because that is my primary way of human functioning.