Although I keep talking about dating and relationships on social media, I have been having the best time of my life by myself. No, I’m not travelling through Asia or participating in those humanitarian projects which have been on my bucket list for far too long, but I’m content with my own company and the routines I have built for my wellbeing. I’m busy from early morning till late night, and by the end of the day I’m usually too tired to even consider writing a few words in here.
I know, I know. I have been absent, but I’m sure it’s a matter of time until I find a way back to blogging. Right now, I’m doing data analysis in the morning (my 6-month sick leave ended up last week), teaching in the afternoon and working out once I get off from work. So YES, keeping up with blogging and fellow bloggers has been more difficult, but I feel genuinely happier with my life at the moment. I feel like I’m busy and looking after myself at the same time. I’m owning myself completely, and that’s bloody new to me, you know?
With this said, my interest in finding love has changed quite a bit too. I realised I used to seek a partner in crime as a way to add colour and amusement to my life when, in fact, I should be the one in charge of that task. You see, I wanted to find love, because I didn’t have it for myself. And to be honest, I would look for love only when I was feeling utterly bored or empty, so it isn’t surprising that I haven’t really had that much luck in love. You can’t expect to receive what you can’t give to yourself.
I like to believe, nonetheless, that I’m now approaching dating and relationships with a bit more mindfulness. I’m more careful and I try to be more aware of my own projections and impulses. I have set the intention to see what is there and not what I would like to see. I no longer go on first dates thinking that I finally found the one!, after immediately being fed with the fairytale of another person. I’m definitely more detached from outcomes too. After too much drama and many disappointments, I think I learned that what is meant to be will be, and what is not… you can’t simply force it to be.
I have also been much more aware of early signs of narcissistic tendencies. I know I have a special gift to invite narcissist people into my life and thus I have been making an extra effort to protect myself from matches and situations that can potentially lead to narcissistic abuse. It’s not always easy. Narcs are, more often than not, great masters of seduction and, if you keep your festering wounds exposed, you’re an easy prey to them. You will be swept off your feet in no time and you won’t even know what hit you.
I mean, it’s beautiful to be vulnerable with someone. Don’t get me wrong. It’s one of the most beautiful human experiences we may have. However, I start to think we mustn’t open our heart and share our intimacy with someone until we feel that it is indeed the right moment to do so. The trouble with sticking to this, I guess, is that we want that relationship, that partner, that lifestyle N-O-W, and out of fear we rush into anything that resembles what we have been wishing for.
Does s/he have the lifestyle you are also looking for? That’s great, but are you two disclosing to each other the same quality and quantity of information? Can the conversation flow with ease? Is the other person responsive to your energy? Are both of you in the same life stage?
We lost the art of growing our human connections. We have grown up used to the idea that everything is ready-made and waiting for us on some supermarket shelf – or at a finger’s swipe between left and right. Why bother yourself with learning the ingredients you need to make mayonnaise from scratch if you can buy a bottle of Hellmann’s, right?
I think we need to dive deeper though, if we want to connect with better matches and have more mindful dating experiences. I think we need to be more mindful and make better questions when on a date. I honestly believe that it’s not so much about whether your match takes you to a fancy restaurant, comes dressed in gold, or pays the bill for you. It’s more about whether you can, or cannot, feel seen, heard and safe to be yourself while also pursuing your romantic feelings. And to know that, you need information from the other person. Here are some suggested questions, which I label as mindful dating questions, that you can perhaps use on a future date:
- What makes you the happiest?
- What are you most afraid of?
- If you had to pick a recurring topic in your life, what would that be?
- If you became an influential world leader, what would you do first?
- What makes you feel loved?
I’m going to give these questions a try on a next date. Let me know if you have tried something similar, or whether you have your own set of mindful questions. Sharing is caring. 😉