I thought quarantine would give me plenty of time to do what I need to get done. It hasn’t been like that at all. I haven’t been able to focus on what I need to be writing on. I have been adjusting myself instead to a new schedule and way of doing things, since I decided to stay with my grandparents while we patiently wait for better days.
We have lunch by midday and dinner way before 6pm. I hoped I could squish my to do list around that time frame, but I haven’t been able to do anything. I can feel my grandparents’ growing impatience, the kind of impatience you feel when you are bored and fed up of living confined.
I absorb my grandparents’ nervousness and I have also to deal with my own frustration from not feeling disciplined enough to create and build. That’s one of the lessons, isn’t it? Learning to surrender to what is instead of what I would like it to be. Maybe it’s not the time to do but the time to be.
And who do I want to be?
I want to be an upbeat person. I want to be physically active. I want to own my body and be kinder to my mind. I want to be gentle and graceful when communicating with others. I want to go greener. I want to synchronize myself with nature. I want to follow my lead.
I have been doing great with being active as I have kept my workout routine. I do need, however, to be kinder and more patient with my mind. I have to stop opening tabs and more tabs in my mind’s browser. I need to let it settle and do its own cleaning at its own pace. All I can do at the moment is to restructure my days.
Although my normal routine is totally different from the routine I’m having right now due to the pandemic we are experiencing worldwide, I feel tempted to change a couple of things so that I stop feeling like every day is just the same as the day before. In fact, it’s like I went back to that ‘life draining mode’ in which I was about a year ago: sleep, eat, drool, eat, sleep. That’s no way of living. At least for me.
So if I want to remain an upbeat and active person, I need to religiously keep my workouts in. I have to move them, however, to some time earlier in the morning so that I can then focus on other goals I must master in order to be who I want to be. I also need to gradually create a few working slots. Despite being quarantined, I can’t aim to work from 9AM to 6PM on my thesis, every single day. I have to create small time slots to work on it instead.
As for other aspects of who I want to be, I need to be more patient and calmer. I have to accept people’s timing and stop rushing them in any way. Each person has a personal sense of time and a specific way to move through life. I can’t impose my speed to anyone. Some are faster than me, others are slower. Speed is like time, it depends on the point of reference we use. Respecting that is part of being gentle and graceful with others.