I got myself thinking that I don’t want to catch feelings. It’s strange to contemplate such idea, after spending a great part of my life looking for love. It’s not a matter of being ready or not ready. I guess it’s a deep need for living with clarity. Free from heartache and confusion. It’s a sincere wish of living with inner peace.
I grew tired of seeking and trying. It’s a painful process for me. In fact, meeting and talking with potential dating partners, juggling the common dating norms and the invisible information radars I was born with is rather exhausting. It’s hard to manage and dismantle both my heart and other people’s hearts.
It’s so painful to open my scar tissue to only find out that it was worthless in the end. I know, I know, life is dukkha. I also know I might well be running away from experiencing all those feelings I don’t want to feel and which inevitably come with abandonment. Sadness, disappointment, anger. I’m a hurt bitch after all.
Wow. This was liberating. I’m a hurt bitch. No, don’t get it wrong here. I’m not deliberately engaging in negative self-talk. I’m actually recognising part of my shadow self. I have bitchy feelings when abandonment rings a bell. In other words, I haven’t been humble enough to consciously recognise that I become an ugly person when I’m left out.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s what I’m tired of. I don’t like to experience that mode of being, which in the long run transforms itself into depression and apathy. Abandonment activates fear, fear activates bitchiness, bitchiness activates stress, stress leads to exhaustion and then depression rises to give my psyche a (bad) break.
Thus, stating I’m a hurt bitch might be the first step to change a long overdue pattern of being that doesn’t serve me well. If I’m hurt, maybe I need to fix that first. I just don’t know if avoiding any connection or bond with people is the right way to go about it. I feel that the answer is no, because it hasn’t worked out for years.