I got myself thinking that I don’t want to catch feelings. It’s strange to contemplate such idea, after spending a great part of my life looking for love. It’s not a matter of being ready or not ready. I guess it’s a deep need for living with clarity. Free from heartache and confusion. It’s a sincere wish of living with inner peace.
I grew tired of seeking and trying. It’s a painful process for me. In fact, meeting and talking with potential dating partners, juggling the common dating norms and the invisible information radars I was born with is rather exhausting. It’s hard to manage and dismantle both my heart and other people’s hearts.
It’s so painful to open my scar tissue to only find out that it was worthless in the end. I know, I know, life is dukkha. I also know I might well be running away from experiencing all those feelings I don’t want to feel and which inevitably come with abandonment. Sadness, disappointment, anger. I’m a hurt bitch after all.
Wow. This was liberating. I’m a hurt bitch. No, don’t get it wrong here. I’m not deliberately engaging in negative self-talk. I’m actually recognising part of my shadow self. I have bitchy feelings when abandonment rings a bell. In other words, I haven’t been humble enough to consciously recognise that I become an ugly person when I’m left out.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s what I’m tired of. I don’t like to experience that mode of being, which in the long run transforms itself into depression and apathy. Abandonment activates fear, fear activates bitchiness, bitchiness activates stress, stress leads to exhaustion and then depression rises to give my psyche a (bad) break.
Thus, stating I’m a hurt bitch might be the first step to change a long overdue pattern of being that doesn’t serve me well. If I’m hurt, maybe I need to fix that first. I just don’t know if avoiding any connection or bond with people is the right way to go about it. I feel that the answer is no, because it hasn’t worked out for years.
I love this post. I have been there and have felt incredibly lost, alone, and just hopeless. It took a long time for me to fix me, but I did it. In the end, I found a loving relationship with myself, my current boyfriend, and with life. Recognizing my self-loathing and fear of being hurt was just the first step! Just a reminder that your not alone and it gets better!
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It really warms my heart when people share happy stories 😍 I’m glad you found a way out of it. I have been trying for almost 6 years now. It’s like peeling an onion… and crying it’s included too! 😂 Thank you for your kind words and motivation 😊🤗
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Just 1 day at a time. I’ve fog will clear eventually.
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I have found that as much work as you do on your own, you can only finally heal these wounds while in a relationship. And it can be hard work. Sorry. but if it helps, I think MOST of us are hurt bitches, so you are not alone ❤
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Ah thank you, Wendy 🤗 Your words and shares have always had a magic effect. I believe you’re right. I need to work hard on not to hijack myself from situations that allow that healing… when I notice it, I already jumped off ❤️
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Exactly. You can do it. You are strong!! 💖💖
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I don’t blame you one bit, and I’m 100% with you on this. When you don’t know any better/haven’t experienced what the other side feels like. You would rather just stay away from it
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It’s a tough phase to be in! I think it’s not healthy but it’s the ‘normal’ reaction until we know how to deal with it better! ❤
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