I love my grandma to pieces. She always provided me with attention and care. It was never a healthy way to give love though. She knows no boundaries. She can’t tell when you need your own space to breathe and just be. She will ask you a dozen times if you want to eat something in the space of an hour and she will always try to offer you something as a compensation for her wrong doings. She will never admit what she did and she will come up with lies after lies to hide it.
I never really wanted to accept that this was bad and unhealthy. I preferred to hold the thought that she only wanted to see everyone happy. I thought that her children’s behaviour – my mother included – was not her fault, but I now see that it is exactly the same pattern: people say one thing to your face and another when you’re not around. I have attracted this pattern to myself all the time too, and instead of following my inner voice and facing the truth, I have chosen to be unattuned.
Being unattuned makes me stay in what is familiar. In other words, it keeps me on my comfort zone. For many years, it kept me away from seeing patterns that are not really compatible with my nature – or the person I want to become. It also worries me if I won’t be able to get rid of the programming I grew up with. To what extent do I repeat what I don’t like to see in them? I know none of us are perfect but should we accept and pretend that there is nothing wrong with lying, manipulating and pretending?
It’s not even midday and I feel worn out already. I caught my grandma on the phone with my godmother, who I have been out of sync too, complaining about my mood. It’s the second person I hear on the phone complaining about my mood or behaviour in a very harsh way, in less than a week. I get it, no one likes to be around sad or damaged people. People are used to have me happy, optimistic and shiny. Not moody and down. I get that. However, I really do need the space and the time to be alone with myself to repair my own emotional damage. It’s like… I don’t have anything else left to give and I’m in pain because of that.
I’m honestly really tired. Since I sat here on the couch to write my heart down, for the last half an hour, I have been interrupted three times by my grandmother. On the last time, I tried to do something about it and I started saying “Grandma, I’m doing something here and I really need to be focused”. And what did I get? She snapped, turned her back and went away, leaving me feeling guilty for trying to assert boundaries. Seriously, what is the right approach here? What am I doing wrong? Do I speak a different language? How many times have I asked for the exact same thing in the past?
I’m literally banging my head on the wall now and I just want to sleep the whole afternoon. Another unproductive, wasted afternoon, because I have been trying really hard to understand what can I do differently and that has tired me to the point of not even being able to breathe well.