The last couple of days have been really difficult. I hadn’t bad days such as these since last summer, when I made the clear decision to tackle what was bothering and pushing me down to then start creating happier episodes in life. Before that decision though, there were a good couple of dark moments or dark nights of the soul as some call it. I would cry myself to sleep and that’s exactly what I was about to do tonight until I opted to open my laptop and just let it go out through my fingertips.
It has been hard and lonely. I have been dealing with radiation symptoms that have broken me down to pieces. When I think I’m getting better, I get depressed or moody. My skin burns in some places and some of my back bones hurt whenever I toss and turn in bed. I get headaches if I spend too much time on my devices and I haven’t been able to keep my bodybuilding routine or running program. I’ve been through this before, but it’s scary. One day I’m getting better and the next I might go back to this miserable place in which I eventually start to wonder why a human being has to handle so much suffering.
I think I know this place; I’m sure I have been here before. It’s that place when life just seems to much to handle and no one is available to help you feel less lonely, less confused and less crazy. There is just you and the dirty t-shirt you’re using to dry the tears and blow your nose because no one is watching. In fact, everyone is too busy with their buttons to notice your baggy eyes and that you are struggling to keep your head above water.
I’m angry, you know? Or am I sad? If we [humanity] could only do our best to go out of our own way to help and see – truly see – each other. Wouldn’t life be better? Wouldn’t life be more real if we simply stop ignoring when people show or say that they are not ok? Wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if we could forget about ourselves once in a while and try to help somebody else? Wouldn’t it be more entertaining to actually feel alive instead of just existing? When you leave your own drama behind, you heal a part of yourself and you help another.
I don’t know how most people can be indifferent to another person’s pain. I don’t know how we keep waking up and pretending that we have all under control, that we know best and that we don’t need human relationships. I don’t know why there are these huge walls between us, if we all crave for affection and being seen. I don’t know why we must be so inhumanly hygienic and delete our feelings just to give the idea that we can’t be bothered. Are we fucking robots, already?
I was the happiest when I was vulnerable and when I could share that vulnerability with others who were willing to at least just read what I had to say. The world has been a sad place since I can remember just because it seems impossible to do just that – being vulnerable together – in real life. It breaks me to look around and realise that I can’t spill my beans because it’s just me there and I get tired of talking to myself or crying myself to sleep because no one will care, listen or see. Everyone is too busy with themselves and unaware that the best gift life can offer to us is to catch others when they are falling and be there for one another.