My friend tells me I need to heal and react. I tell her that it’s easier said than done. Then she replies back that I only need to really want it. Is it? Are you supposed to recover from being disappointed in people just like that? How do you accommodate what you thought you knew and what you know now? How can you switch your mind and heart that easily?
I thanked her logic and I kept my own sense of timing. I don’t want to brush my feelings away and pretend that I’m happy and shining. Do you want to know why? I used to do that and I became emotionally blocked, so I don’t rush my feelings anymore. If I’m sad, I will be sad and cry, until I get over it.
It’s hard to accept that I have been in love with a two-faced person. One face was everything I ever wanted, while the other belonged to one of the most insensitive human beings I have met. Were both one and the same? After repeating the same cycle over and over again, I start to believe there was only one face after all and that I made up the other one.
My friend also asked me if I wasn’t sorry for myself. She tells me I had had a lot of patience to keep holding on to something that was always cracking and leaving me scarred. Her next question, however, triggered something inside me. She asked if I wasn’t sorry for myself, then who would?
No one was and that hurt me the most. I never felt the other person was truly sorry or cared enough for me. Most of the time I felt like a punching bag or a rubbish bin, a recipient used over and over again to dump whatever was bad and toxic. Every now and then, I would reach my limit and leave, but I always ended up coming back to the same story.
I don’t know why we love people who hurt us so much and who make us feel like crap. I reiterate. Why do we keep ourselves in situations that make us feel like crap? Is it lack of self-love? Lack of boundaries?
Looking back, I feel like I’ve been played or that I was only good until the moment I became too demanding about my needs and expectations. Is it too much to ask for presence when you’re in a relationship? Is it too much to ask for loving-kindness? How am I expected to give endlessly and not receive anything back?
I guess I feel sad not because it’s over, but because I didn’t do something effective about it earlier. I feel sad because I was unhappy and miserable and yet I wanted to believe in the goodness of the other person. I wanted to believe that I had found someone equally loving and caring, even if that person only came out once a week. I now see how stupid I was.
That’s what I’m sad about and why tears sometimes stream down my face. It was disappointment after disappointment and I could have protected myself from it. I could have put myself first and stop believing in fairytales. I could have seen that no one loves you one day and then becomes cold and detached on the other, no matter how sorry they tell you they are after treating you badly.
Oh my god, I feel sorry for myself now and I hate it. How could I be so stupid?