I briefly addressed the five stages of grief in a recent book review here on the blog. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We don’t necessarily go through this order and we can go back and forward in the process, but it’s nice to have an idea of what we might experience when grieving.
I recognise I was angry the other day. I was chewing venom and I know I wrote harshly. At some point, I returned it to draft mode, because I was feeling bad about the intensity of my anger and perspective. I was in pain and I wanted to inflict pain, which only happens when a deep wound is reopened.
I did well about taking my own time to feel and today I no longer cried after a day’s work. I didn’t feel empty and I didn’t feel that weird void that was stubbornly visiting me. I met some level of acceptance, the final stage of the grieving process. It’s not a massive experience of acceptance but it is acceptance, a kind of surrender to what is.
People’s kindness at school has also helped me a lot. I know behaviour generates behaviour but lately my kindness wasn’t really coming back to me that often and I had forgotten that we do reap what we sow. I’ve been met with laughter, care and support. It’s nice to know we are all navigating through confusion and yet some seeds of goodness remain.
I’m also running again and losing fat by the day. Binge eating is also out of the equation now after a small relapse last weekend. I’ve been focused on sharing what I wrote about electromagnetic pollution and the potential risks of 5G. I found a like minded group of people on Facebook and it has been nice to see that more people are talking about it.
I’m putting an effort to clear my energy body too and I’ve been meditating. Today I did two guided meditations, one to clear my auric field and another to express gratitude. I ended up crying in the last one because I reviewed many precious moments and memories of the person I chose to stay away from recently.
I thought there was nothing good left to feel but a small voice came from my heart saying I love you. Maybe the trick here is to do what I did about crying and avoid judging whatever is or shows up. Maybe it’s healthier to let those words breathe and just let them be without giving them too much thought.
It’s nice to recover some of my own energy after a good couple of months out of balance. Life is falling back to that sweet space of daily doses of loving kindness and that’s where I’m the happiest. I can start singing that old song that says I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this and feeling it, but I’m going with it and Could you be loved just started playing too.