Some say life doesn’t happen to us but for us. I’d like to ask why my life had to be filled with so much harshness. Couldn’t it be a bit easier? I did my best to stop being a Drama Queen and now there is drama everywhere I turn to. Just last night, it was way past 2AM when an odd old man started smacking an iron door. He woke up the entire neighborhood. Lights were turned on, windows were opened. I couldn’t see him and I couldn’t see the door, so I even thought someone was shooting a gun. He then stopped and walked down the road, clearly drunk.
I sat on my bed and I suddenly cried as if I had just returned to a conscious state after a car crash. I felt how mad the world has turned and will keep turning in the next couple of weeks, maybe months. It hasn’t been pretty due to people’s fear, but now it’s not just fear; it’s resentment, impatience and madness. Everyone is tired and feeling burned out. I don’t know if people went a tad crazier over the past week as a result of the news, the hot weather, or the fact that they can’t hide they are exhausted. Maybe it’s a combination of several aspects, but the truth is that I struggled to face what I saw and keep my act.
School staff was more desperate than usual, students showed odd behaviours and teachers were clearly alienated from the meaning of basic human interaction. I also met aggressive people in the train and bus stations in pure daylight. I had made my mind about not wanting to know anything else about the pandemic or 5G antennas, because we were flying at school and acing with project-based learning methods, but by the end of the week I couldn’t ignore that there is definitely something impacting people’s behaviours and moods.
On last Friday, one of my students presented catatonic states, another was severely depressed and the other arrived in the classroom with blood and bumps. I know the school is problematic, but behaviours were never this odd. How do I make a class work if they are psychologically impaired? It was one thing to think that people near me were being psychologically affected by something I can’t be sure of, but it’s another to face a group of students who had worked so well so far and then suddenly shows up with very twisted responses and behaviours.
I only felt safe and well once I lied on my bed, Friday night. Then I realised how I had absorbed and accumulated so much crap that wasn’t mine. I should have been more aware during the week and notice that there was something extra going on, but I also wanted to disconnect from those kind of thoughts and ignore whatever topic that didn’t include teaching and positive change. I should know, however, that it’s better to never have such harsh limits about what to think, feel or do. It rarely works as we intend them to. Sadly enough, I even had a mother texting me that her eldest son had COVID and therefore the whole family was in isolation.
It was certainly a heck of a week and it has taken me an entire day to recover some of my depleted energy. I haven’t felt so physically sick lately and I believe it’s due to the fact I spend a lot of time commuting to school and walking back and forth. I can’t deny it has been harsher from an emotional point of view though as I have been holding everything up by myself. I wish I could had written a blog before but I had no energy left to even throw a few words in here. Now that I have done it, I feel much lighter already. It’s really bad policy not being able to talk about what happens in your life, Tough times, tough feelings; and they can’t be stored up.