I woke up half past seven today after spending last night vomiting and tossing in bed. My migraines are always hard pills to swallow but I haven’t vomited for quite some time. I forced myself to sleep because I only get better in the following morning and that’s what happened. When I opened my eyes, I felt physically rested, but also like a foreigner in outer space.
I’m in this place called “I’m not sure”. I’m not sure what’s going on, I’m not sure how I feel, I’m not sure what to do. At the same time, there is this voice that tells me to just let it be as it is and do nothing. Looking back, I learnt it’s best to listen and follow this voice rather than listening to my impulse of trying to fix everything. There are things that aren’t for me to fix.
What I can fix is my tendency to become codependent when I’m emotionally overwhelmed for far too long and to stop tolerating situations that push me into that state. I know I have to master an important lesson which is to stop absorbing people’s energy and be a rock but that’s hard to ask for, especially when you’re close to them. It took me decades to learn that I wasn’t supposed to feel my mother’s pain and fix everyone.
I would rather be a robot or have an on/off button, but I haven’t got one. I would suffer less I’m sure, if I could just turn myself off. I did it regarding my parents but I haven’t transferred that skill to my other relationships so the only thing I can do to protect me from self-destruction (engaging in addictions again) is to distance myself and reduce the chance of getting triggered, even if that means staying away from people I love.
The price I pay for it is to be in this “I’m not sure” place which is nothing more than self-punishment for not being capable of doing better. It’s as if I’m protecting myself but at the same time I know deep down it’s not a one-hundred percent pain-free decision. I might not feel that annoying heartache when you’re suffering and hurting others in the process, but feeling numb also feels alien. So that’s it, I’m not sure where I’m at.
I’m just sure I don’t want to indulge in food and hurt my body, and I’m sure I don’t want to find someone else to fill the void. I’m not going back to that old version of me. I’m going to be here and be with it. I’m going to learn more about myself and I’m going to keep adding healthy habits into my life. For now, these are running, meditating and reading. I don’t know why I wasn’t clever enough to do them whenever I got overwhelmed in my relationship but I also believe evolution has its own timing.