Disrespect destroys relationships. Mistrust, second guesses and second thoughts. Probes, pression, stress. Lack of personal control. Untamed emotions and attitudes. Uncertainty, confusion. So many different things with the power to erode any bond if left unmanaged.
Breaks ups used to scary me. I was always scared of being alone. I hadn’t the capacity to see that I had been alone all along. Once I understood that experience, I set an intention to live a different pattern. I don’t feel alone anymore after a break up. There is still sadness and anger, but I don’t feel I’m alone because I learned to rely on my own company.
I’ve also learned that everything is fleeting in this world. People change – or circumstances change and we finally see them for who they always were. That’s from where the sadness comes from, the realisation that people are not who we thought they were and yet we keep the love. Anger comes from the fact we no longer can get back the time and emotional resources we invested, especially when we recall the last sensitive scenes.
Although I don’t feel I’m left alone in a dark corner, I feel confused and I question the nature of life itself. Is it really worthwhile to wake up everyday? Is it going to be ok in the end? Does peace come back after the storm?
I know it does. I know it will. In the meantime, however…
Here’s this big nothing. No past, no future. Just this moment of awareness. No recollection of past achievements and no goals in sight for the future. I’m just contemplating the void of the present moment and being with it. I know I will react at some point and life will go on eventually, but right now I wonder. Is there a point to all this?
My head is heavy like if I was thousand of miles under water. My eyes just gaze and screen my environment without much interest. My heart is closed. It’s not bleeding as it used to, but it’s closed and shut. There’s no due date for the reopen.