It might not end well for all but we are in this big mess altogether for sure. There is no escape from that truth as much optimism as one can have. I believe psychological pressure and mind control belong to a kind of violence that is much worse than getting physically hurt, especially when the pain is inflicted slowly and gradually over time. That’s what these draconian measures taken by governments worldwide are doing to us. They are killing our will to live and making our daily life so intolerable (no touching, no gathering in groups) that we start to gladly choose indifference over sympathy.
After two months of not being cheerful at school, someone asked me what was going on because I looked blue. I turned around and with all honesty I just said “I’m fed up”. I wasn’t expecting what happened next but I’m glad it did. “Me too, I totally understand”, replied the other person. My then closed and heavy heart cracked wide open. In that moment, we were both seeing and sharing pain without any trace of guilt, shame or fear. We mentioned what people don’t want to talk about, since everyone keeps living their own lives pretending nothing wrong is going on, and everyone is too busy defending their own half-truths. It was different; it was liberating.
The worst thing is that I’ve been guilty of that too. I tend to retreat after a while when there is too much mess and heaviness around me. When that happens, I start malfunctioning, because in order to remain present and my cup half-full I need to keep myself above a specific emotional threshold. If not, I stop having the energy, and therefore the time, to look around and remain available or productive, even if that means just sitting here in front of my laptop writing, sharing and swapping perspectives with other people.
I haven’t been present neither for myself nor for others, and that frustrates me as I always want to be at my best. Right now I’m fully aware I’m not at it. I let reality’s ugliness engulf me and I hate that. I hate being this affected and I hate the fact I haven’t kept my bubble free from triggers. The only way I can accomplish that successfully is by having more positive events in my daily routine than negative ones, and by remaining present for myself and life in general. With what is going on in the world and in people’s lives at the moment, that’s something really hard to ask for and have.
Over time, I lose my fuel while dodging people’s load. If I don’t rebuild my own energy and stop giving it away for a moment, I reach a boiling point. This point is never pretty and it is, more often than not, interpreted as intolerance, lack of empathy and love. I get it, I can understand that. From another person’s perspective, I get the pain and confusion I may cause for needing to explode and then retreat. I wish people could understand this happens when my truck reached its full limit and I have no personal resources left to repair it unless I go within and reconnect with myself – far, far, far away from others.
I’m grateful someone saw through my accumulated pain today and popped the question. Whether it’s my personality’s fault or personal karma, I seem to be invisible to other people. My friend says I’m too nice and that I allow too much. It has been this way since I was a kid, so I guess it’s natural in me. I’m the priest sitting there in the confessionary, listening, advising, containing. It’s like other people are entitled to have dramas and stories, charged emotions and situations, but I’m not – and when I do overreact or reach a boiling point to let my own steam out, I don’t stand a chance because no one saw it coming and I’m plain freaking crazy, selfish and so on, and so on.
And you know what, it’s nobody’s fault. We are all fed up. We are all tired. We can’t take shit anymore and we are all imperfect human beings. We will only start to understand each other when each one of us goes within and sets the record straight with themselves – when the inner child meets the inner adult, when everyone is self-sufficient, no one is waiting to be rescued or saved, and people have the capacity to take care of themselves and others without destroying anyone in the process. Until then, I just pray we don’t go mad completely and that we will all see better days ahead. If you’re on this train too, don’t go without saying hi.