I know these heavy and rigid feelings on my upper body. They arise when there are emotional blocks and sometimes become a very narrow subjective experience of pain mixed with anxiety in my chest. Then the question pops in my head, Am I going to overcome it? Am I doing what is right? Am I doing what is best? I wish I could make decisions and stop wondering about them later. Since I don’t, I keep swirling around the same questions and the discomfort of not having clear answers manifests itself in body aches.
If I wasn’t so spiritually lazy, I could find the answers by sitting down and meditating. I know fairly well I won’t find them through logic and thinking. While I’m writing here, I get a few downloads. I’m basically uncomfortable because I’m not used to do what is best for me. I’m used to do what other people would like me to do or say it’s best instead of pursuing what I feel to be best for me. I’m still easily permeated by people’s criticism and anger, otherwise I wouldn’t have second thoughts about doing what I need to do for myself.
It’s hard to break free from the guilt of having to say no and deal with the consequences of that. It’s hard to separate the love for others and the love for oneself when you must to. That puts you in situations where you have to hold on to your self-knowledge and be immune to other people’s reactions. The more I know and own myself, the easier it gets but I still have to cope with this accutte anxiety that stems from the old question Am I doing what is right? As an Enneagram Four, this question isn’t originally so much about me but other people, and right now I have to make it about me if I want to be happy.
I’m not used to choosing and putting myself first. It causes me anxiety and discomfort because I have to go against my natural tendency of taking care of others and doing everything I can to avoid their rage and pain. I stay as much as I can and sometimes that’s too long for my own good. At the same time, it’s like my soul doesn’t allow me to keep doing that anymore at my own expense or without having my needs also met. As Heidi Sawyer writes in her book, Highly Intuitive People, there is a self-preservation mechanism that kicks in when I feel like I tried everything I could to avoid conflict and anger and yet I kept failing at it.
I’m in this huge crossroads in which I have to choose between doing what is familiar, and inherited from my family, and what is new. In other words, I have to choose between myself and others, knowing that the pattern I must heal is the tendency to be a doormat and do whatever I can to keep other people happy and pleased, even if that means being unhappy or uncomfortable. When I think of my grandmother and my own mother, I see two people who made choices based on other people’s compass and not their own. The main result of that was two generations inked by codependency and suppressed emotions.
I’ve always had this deep inner knowing that I’m here to heal and break free from my family psychological history. That’s probably why I wrote so much on the blog about my relationship with my parents and my struggles with romantic relationships. It didn’t surprise me when I read on Heidi’s book the following: Part of their ongoing drive for purpose is about making a profound difference to their inner world and outer influence; this is in part due to a deep desire to heal the family lineage (page 83). This healing is complex and messy, especially when all you have to guide you is your own intuition and books.
As usual, now that I sat down and wrote down these words I have a greater sense of clarity and I understand better the reason why I feel anxious and somewhat scared. I’m making choices based on new parameters and not so much on my emotional attachment to people. I think sometimes you love people and yet you must take a different road when you can’t hold yourself and keep your relationship going without creating more problems and conflicts as the other person is also growing and facing their own share of healing. Instead of one headless chicken, it’s two headless chickens trying to navigate the world with a complete new navigation system which is their intuition.
I sincerely hope I can be forgiven because my super ego feels disobeyed and therefore it panics for not complying with the old narrative of the pretty girl who does what she is told. That was me when I was 10 years old, that’s what I was groomed to become. When I’m grounded and connected to my higher self though there is this knowing that I must take this road no matter how much painful it is for me and other people now. It has been painful anyway to try my best to live accordingly to other people’s rules and decisions like my grandmother and mother did. They were never actively invited into any decision-making process and I’ve seen myself engulfed by that same dysfunctional pattern which I told myself since I was only a little kid I would get rid of.