Rage In, Rage Out: Unleashing The Hidden Beast

When I started this journey consciously in 1990, I would look at information and evidence and come to conclusions with my mind. But for many years now, it has been the other way round. I feel a powerful intuitive knowing about something and the five-sense information then follows quickly afterwards.

David Icke

I wrote about what Icke describes above in my previous post: the ability to sense reality via intuition. Heidi Sawyer has been one of the best authors I’ve read so far that goes deeper into the skills of the highly intuitive person. According to her, once a highly sensitive person embraces their sensitivity and healing path, the highly intuitive emerges. I remember trying to explain to you how the so called paranormal phenomena had to be linked to high sensitivity. My intuition was showing me the links back then and it was empowering to find Sawyer’s book, Highly Intuitive People. Her book was life changing because, for the first time, I felt there was no need to keep feeling like I’m crazy. The problem is that I’m still sensitive to what other people think, say or do.

Life is hard for everyone. I’ve written and repeated what buddhists say many times here on the blog – life is dukkha. I believe suffering is the doorway to healing and soul growth to the majority of us. It’s the trigger to learn and evolve. The more time we avoid learning a lesson, the more and more we suffer. So one of the most intelligent questions we can make when reality gets tough is this one: what do I need to learn here? What is this particular challenge trying to teach you? What is the milestone you need to accomplish right now? I’ve been making this question to myself and the answer is taking its time to come. That’s my fault, I haven’t sat down to meditate and listen.

My question comes from an everyday schism between the world I come from and the world I observe now. I’m no longer at that stage in which Truman finds out he’s living in a fake world. I’ve known that since I was a kid and I couldn’t understand why people couldn’t take their mask off. Sawyer says this is common among highly intuitive people. They can sense fakery and they can’t understand why others can’t. Now that I’m almost turning 32 years old and I know there are more people like me, there is yet a wish for breaking free from the fakery and do like Truman. He chose to live a normal life. The problem is that this option doesn’t seem to be available for me. Whenever I go outside, the collective mania keeps unfolding and most people operate from their reptilian brain which is the part of your brain that is easily seduced by sexually charged publicity and subliminar signs from your TV screen.

Today I found a very interesting piece written by Jay Weidner. It talks about the evolution of human beings from a spiritual-developmental point of view. I was crying by the middle of his article which basically says we are living a post puberty period. We’re becoming adults… and that means we are starting to learn how the world actually works. It’s not all fireworks like some of us have thought and made it to be, and now it’s up to us to deal with our collective shadow. This shadow is made of corruption, war and fraud. The collective is only starting this process, while people like me have seen and have been forced to live with it almost to the point of schizophrenia. While Truman decided to go through the exit door, we see no exit and the room is on fire.

Weidner calls it the maturation of human species and he says the next stage is to become wise. I know what he’s talking about, but I also know I have to live with other human beings and everyday feels like Armageddon. Do you remember the little kid saying I see dead people? I feel them and I feel people who are live too, no matter how far away they are from me. Have you seen Biden falling while trying to get inside of Air Force One? He can even be an android as far as I’m concerned and yet I felt the pain and the embarrassment. I don’t like what’s going on but I felt the pain and the vile laughs of people throughout the entire world. I usually start laughing when someone falls and I do that when I’m the one who crashes on the floor but I didn’t laugh in that moment because I saw and felt people laughing at him.

I don’t expect people to fully understand the point I’m trying to bring about in this post. Sometimes I don’t understand it myself and thus my incessant question over the last couple of days: how can I lead a normal life? I know Jay Weidner is right when he talks about taking a deep breath, relaxing, being still and reflective. How are you supposed to this when your buttons are pushed on a daily basis though? When there is not enough silence or the necessary peace and calm I need to be able to thrive in this reality as a highly intuitive? It used to be hard before, now it’s 10x harder because we are in this stage in which people will either finally face our collective shadow or keep living in a dystopian world. I feel like I’m somehow dependent on their decision to choose, like Truman, the exit door. They are only starting to see the glitches now and the wait is exasperating.

Then look at me. I’m looking like a child as well. I’m in the middle of the supermarket stomping my feet. I want people to wake up… and I want it now! This reminds me of my childhood and that moment in time in which I wanted my family to be different. I wanted them to be loudless, more intellectual. I wanted them to change their behaviour towards money and life in general. Just like a child, I demanded that, even if only between my left and right ears, but that’s the truth. I only released these childish demands recently. I used to complain a lot about my dad and mom, their behaviour and how my chaos was their fault. Guess what, I’m the one to blame. I’m the one who has to become an adult, no matter how hard it was while growing up in terms of role models. I’m the one who has to call the shots now.

And that’s why I can’t see the exit door just yet. I keep myself busy with everything else but me. Am I conscious of the food I eat lately? No. I’ve been eating my feelings. Am I moving enough? No. Am I respecting my boundaries? No. I’ve been stuck at what Tolle’s calls pain body, that part of us that is a pit of trauma, negativity and toxicity. I’ve been carrying mine and other people’s too as a good unhealthy intuitive does. As such, from time to time, there is a trigger, a bump, and the drama movie starts. A life situation is brought to you to test your skills and what was once locked away is then released like a wild beast. If I’m mindful and conscious, I can deal with it with a certain degree of grace. If I’m burned out to the point of exhaustion, I will retreat and disappear under the sheets with a good stack of unhealthy treats.

With all honesty, I feel myself on the edge, as if I’m being pushed in every single direction. In other words, life is giving me feedback. Life changed dramatically about a year ago. I had a job I liked, I had a workout routine and I was happy by myself. Now I have no job because reality changed, I don’t have a workout routine and I feel it’s impossible to have peace and be drama-free. Why am I here again? Maybe it’s an opportunity to feel and express the rage I never let out worrying that I would hurt someone with my bursts. It’s a visceral rage that makes me cry, clench my teeth and contract my stomach. It’s a rage that stems from not being able to be and express my own raw emotions. It’s the rage I used to try to dissipate by listening to heavy metal and hardcore punk when I was 15 years old. Maybe I haven’t accepted duality, and the fact I’m allowed to rage and that fuck you can be part of my dictionary too. Yes, Jung said everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. I finally understand why other people’s anger irritates me so much. I spent most of my life denying it and redirecting it towards myself through overeating.

Holly fuck, I stroke a chord here. I have repressed rage problems and I have Wayne Dyer laughing at my ears (I told you I can sense dead people). It’s my shadow I have to work with, not the collective.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s