I enjoy walking around a lot because it has always been a way to tune into my inner self. My body walks and my soul wanders. I went for three walks around today. The last one at night. Those are usually my favourite ones. There is less people and ideally less noise. The best thing about it though is that breeze that only comes at night. I find it fascinating. I also prefer sunsets to sunrises so maybe I’m a creature of the night. I’ve been a night owl since I can remember to honest, that’s a fact. I also tend to have better insights at night, I don’t know why.
While I was walking, I remembered the feeling I woke up with this morning. It wasn’t a strange feeling. I have had it many times. It’s a mix between fear and anxiety. I like to brush it away and go on with my day but the truth is that when that feeling comes around, it doesn’t necessarily disappear. It stays hidden, but it remains there and I think it drains my energy throughout the day. This feeling usually comes around when I’m stuck in life. When I want to move and yet I don’t. It makes itself present like a nagging parent.
What am I afraid of? So many things. One of them is to find out that I’m really weak and that I was not made to thrive in this life, no matter what I do. I know this is that stupid voice known as my demanding self. It has been present all my life, constantly reminding me that I have to be pushing and pushing without ever allowing me to stop worrying. What are you going to do next, your piece of shit? When will you actually stick to a job? Do you think you’re that special, that you’re too good to have a job different from other people? How can you think like that? Grow up!
Believe it or not, I deal with this voice too. I try to ignore it but I think I haven’t been good at it. Most of the time I buckle up and there I go for another round of trying to live life according to other people’s pace. It never really worked out that well and fourteen years have past. Damn. Fourteen years? How can someone who has worked for the last 14 years still be afraid of failing? It looks rather insane now that I think about it. Where does this fear of failing comes from? Although I don’t own a home or a car, there must be something valuable in those 14 years of work experience.
For some odd reason, I can’t recall or have a vivid memory of my accomplishments. Maybe because I never celebrated them. I never tapped myself on the back. I never stopped to appreciate the view from any mountain. I buckled up and forced myself to take another step without really asking myself if the path I was taking was compatible with what my soul wanted from me. It may sound strange, but I’m going through some sort of amnesia in which I don’t really remember my dreams. Wasn’t I supposed to be a writer?
There was this day at my PhD supervisor’s office where I said that once everything was over I would just take writing. That’s what I wanted to do and yet I didn’t finish my PhD and I haven’t even given ten minutes a day to draft a book page. I haven’t even created the time and the necessary sanctuary to come on here and write from my heart. Why? What do I keep losing track and allowing myself to be distracted with what’s not so important? Two years ago I had no job and I was dreading my PhD. Then I paused my PhD and I got myself a job. I was happy for a while, until about a year ago. I didn’t finish my PhD and I’m now unemployed, worrying that I’m taking too long to search for another normal job.
Maybe my soul doesn’t want another normal job; maybe that’s why I get stuck in this place over and over again. I usually find a normal job and then end up frustrated anyway. This is what’s worse though: I don’t write books when I’m working and I also don’t write them when I’m unemployed. Fourteen years have past. I self-published a book and I got good feedback on it. So why I didn’t I follow through? I honestly don’t know the answer, but I hadn’t consciously made this question either, so I look forward to finding out some answers soon. Is life about reinventing yourself or actually reconnecting with what your soul is here for, against whatever people say?