A white page was never an issue. It used to be a portal to my inner world. A gateway to my feelings and thoughts about reality. It was my way to sort out and track life. What am I doing? What am I feeling? What do I think about this and that? Where to go next? An untyped white screen would be filled with questions such as these and eventually some nuggets for future action.
I have been avoiding this white page for a while though. I have even entertained the idea that perhaps I don’t own the art of reaching myself through words anymore. Can I type as I used to? Will words flow from my heart to my fingertips? I have questioned myself whether I still have whatever I had that allowed me to jump in here and type away.
It’s not that there are no problems or interesting topics to talk about. There have been a lot of problems and a lot of concepts to explore but my decisions have kept me away from my sacred writing place. Earlier today I recalled the reason I began this blog. I was surrounded by people and yet I felt alone. I started blogging to find myself and eventually reconnect with people.
I learned a lot about myself in that journey. I had to accept my differences, and that allowed me to reconnect with others. In the beginning, it was terrifying and hard. Who likes to be different and alone? I grew fond of aloneness as it helped me to become stronger within myself. I realized I could be different and yet have my share in this world. I didn’t have to use my differences as a badge and to remain in a war of me versus the world.
Today, blogging fulfills another mission, one I reconnected with throughout the journey of finding myself. So why have I postponed my blog? Total cowardice to be honest. A mental excuse to avoid the much-needed exercise of examining what I have been doing with my life and writing it down so that I can process it. I feel like I have been far away from myself and what used to color my days. My blog, my podcast, my guided meditations, and my attempt at building an online school.
My routines changed completely and I have faced situations that otherwise I wouldn’t and for which I’m grateful nonetheless. I have dived deep into a reality that has shown me what it feels like to share your life with someone remarkably special. At the same time, it’s like I haven’t lived my own life but rather played a support role in a stranger-than-fiction movie. I miss what made me me. I miss my routines and personal space. I miss what’s familiar to me and the sense of community I had through blogging.
Tonight I drew a new Wheel of Life so that I could assess and think through what I call my current existential crisis. I included the following areas: health, love, friendship, fitness, creativity, work, leisure, and learning. After scoring my perceived performance in each of these themes from 1 (poor) to 10 (very good), I felt less overwhelmed. There are plenty of reasons for me not to feel that great right now:
- I’m not exercising (1)
- I’m not working (1)
- I’m not having a lot of fun (1)
- My friendships are very dry at the moment (2)
- I haven’t been creative in ways I want to (4)
- I haven’t had time to study (1)
It’s good that I’m scoring a 5 in health and it’s wonderful I’m a 7 in love. In matters of love, I’m sure God has given me the greatest of blessings and I believe my decisions over the past few months derive from that. I have put my faith into someone’s hands and I have tried to protect and keep that by skipping and dismissing what is also important to me. My solitude, my books, my writing, my teaching, my podcast, my online community.
While sewing curtains, cooking meals, doing the bed, folding laundry, lending an ear, cleaning after, buying groceries, and assisting in house maintenance projects have been a great new shared adventure, I miss playing the other role God granted me. I’m thankful for what I have been blessed with but I already miss my soul’s work too much and I can’t keep postponing it any longer as my wellbeing depends on it.
I don’t know when and how I’m going to go back to work but I will find a way. I will probably have to fight for it but God will help me. On an endnote: I’m glad this white page remains a portal to my inner world after all this time. I had had cold sweats thinking I had lost it.