Letting Go: One Of The Most Surprising Self-Care Acts

What Letting Go Means

Letting go is one of the attitudes of mindfulness described by Jon Kabat-Zinn in his book Wherever You Go, There You Are. It means to release, not getting involved in grasping or clinging onto what we want or don’t want.

For me, letting go is creating space to notice what is. It is the next step after scanning for illusions, distorted thoughts or emotions that may be causing pressure within. It’s about witnessing when a desire kicks in. Then redirect my attention to the present moment.

I struggled with letting go for a long time. In fact, it has taken me years to apply even a small bit of it to my life. Letting people go, for instance, has always been difficult and also one of the major sources of distress.

Why It’s Ok to Let Go

I’ve clung to people and held the hope one day they would change their behaviour. I believe everyone is capable of change. Yet the reality is people only change when they are ready or when they see fit. 

We can give them our opinion, our counsel, or even communicate our boundaries. We can tick all the right actions, but we can’t change them. People can only change for themselves.

When we have done everything under our control and other people’s behaviour still hurts us, it might be time to let them go. If their attitude and actions hurt you to the point of emotional and mental disturbance, then by all means let them go.

In the past, I struggled a lot with this, that’s why I wanted to write about this topic and share it with you. I wanted to let you know that under certain conditions it is ok and urgent to let people go.

Why Do I Struggle With Getting Go

I believe the tricky part is that there is a fine line between letting people go and discarding them. I used to worry and wonder about this a lot. The thought of being unjust or unkind prevented me from letting go of people who were unhealthy and toxic.

According to my worldview, people are not meant to be discarded or left behind. Loyalty and perseverance are necessary to make a relationship work. However, there are relationships in which only one side of the equation plays by the book of the golden rule. In that case, it’s time to let them go.

Life has taught me enough harsh lessons in this matter to confidently tell you: if it doesn’t ring well, let it go. Whether it’s people or situations, it is ok to let go of whatever doesn’t sit right with you.

Of course, our social reality does not operate in black-and-white standards. There are grey areas and it’s in those grey areas where challenges and doubts about what to do come up quite a lot. This rings true, especially in relationships.

Those areas need to be populated with healthy boundaries and a clear notion of what healthy relationships look and feel like. In a utopic world, what people say and do would match their true intention, at least most of the time. We know that’s not quite the world we are living in right now.

The Need for Conscious Relationships

In a recent conversation with Cee from The Cassie Memoirs, we discussed the topic of conscious relationships. These do not need to be necessarily romantic in their nature. Consciousness is needed across all bonds we establish with each other.

What is a conscious relationship though? A conscious relationship is a bond that is perceived as sacred and therefore is strongly driven by both personal and relational growth. 

How to Letting Go of a Relationship

It’s never an easy decision but sometimes letting someone go is an act of self-care. It can be the solution you need to restore your mental health or have more free time, energy and resources to invest in new and healthier relationships.

If you feel strongly about letting someone go, please note that it is very important to remain respectful. We never really know what it feels like to walk in another person’s shoes so it’s important to be civil and kind.

A lot of times, we don’t have full access to why someone may choose to engage in toxic relational dynamics. However, we are not forced to tolerate their disrespect and misconduct. We draw the line there and we start taking the issue as a matter of self-care. 

The best way to let someone go, I think, is to be truthful and yet graceful. Here are a couple of tips to better handle the situation.

Final thoughts

Letting go of people can be hard, especially if you are empathic by nature and you have an anxious attachment style. It can be scary and daunting.

However, to protect your mental and emotional health, sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes, letting go is a surprising act of self-care. Your well-being can depend on it as you depend on oxygen to live.

When letting someone go, it is important to remain civil. Remember that. Practice emotional self-regulation first and then strive to be kind, informative and yet brave.