The Best Christmas Present Ever

My Christmas has been pretty dull for… decades. It is scary to say decades, because it makes me realise I’m turning 30 in a couple of months. As a sensitive kid I learned early that some families are tricky, or at least mine is. I became aware that people in my family would smile to each other but also dissipate a passive-aggressive comment whenever they could get a chance to. Just like a sponge, I would absorb not only the comment but also the invisible threads of hard feelings.

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What Are We Doing To Our Sensitive Kids?

Being sensitive is not just being emotionally more vulnerable. Being sensitive is a specific way of perceiving and interpreting the world through both the heart and the mind. It’s an overwhelming experience in this post-modern society as we have spent centuries in our mind and pretty much disconnected from our body. The result is an overgeneralised mind-body split and an incredible amount of human suffering. We don’t know anything about feelings and we spend most of our time terrified about them.

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Sensitive Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

This week I had a client who asked me whether it was possible to meet people in our lives who seem ‘great’ at first sight but who turn into the most toxic creatures we ever met after a short while. I spontaneously smiled and felt compassion – I not only knew it was possible as I also had had countless relationships based on that type of human interaction. 

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Your Heart Knows Who You Are Looking For

I was almost coughing my lungs out when he said he loved me, right in the middle of his kitchen, a few days before my flight. That’s something that probably doesn’t happen often after a certain age, I would say, but it was something I knew he would end up doing.

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A Very Special Dinner Guest | Questions to Fall in Love | Q1

As I begin to type these first few words, not knowing exactly how this post is going to flow, I can’t stop laughing in my head. Before I tell you why, let me explain though what are these “Questions to Fall in Love” all about.

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My 4th Break Up Anniversary

I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away

Earlier last week I felt compelled to write this post but then I started overthinking it. Should I do it, should I not do it? Should I make it public, should I keep it private? Too many questions and only one need: the need to settle it down.

Four years have past since we parted ways, and last week I ended up breaking down while narrating the story to G. He kept triggering memories of you – the cooking, the washing up, the laughing out loud in bed… you would show up as a flash against my will and the only sense I can make of it is that I need to process the pain I tried to deny all this time.

I would like to say I’m over you, but I think we never get over someone who meant so much to us. I wasn’t happy all the time, I’m sure you were not happy all the time either, but you became someone very special in my life and now it seems to be impossible to keep running away from the pain I didn’t allow myself to feel before. Maybe it’s the fact I’m returning to Lisbon now. Our break up was one of the reasons why I ran away in the first place, and I’m the only one responsible for my own inability to process pain.

I also started seeing your face more often in the street and I guess I have been running away from analysing that. That’s why I am now writing these words because I know writing is the portal through which I have access to the darkest place of my soul and that’s where I have kept you.

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2011

As if seeing your face wherever I go was not enough, I dreamt about you. I don’t know or I can’t remember very well but I saw you and your partner acting distant from each other. It’s probably something I made up in my head but I’m now recalling the last time my mom said she saw you. You were with your girlfriend and still my mom didn’t assume she was so because of the way you interacted with each other. I wonder what is it like for real and whether you sometimes think about how things used to be between us. I also think about whether you hate me. You probably do.

I honestly don’t believe I still love you, except from afar. The main reason I still struggle is because we cut off contact in the weirdest way possible and I felt there was never a true closure. I guess sometimes we are the ones who have to create that closure, but I would like to voice out that I haven’t filled up the void, at least not yet. If I ever see you again, if we bump into each other now that I will be back home for a while, I hope I can openly just smile and that we don’t really trade any words. I just want to smile and feel we are good, whatever path we are walking on, and then part ways so we never see one another ever again. That’s the only closure I would like to get.

And maybe these words are my chance to smile at you and wish that you are alright, that you are happy. I think it’s time for me to let go the pain – feel it, and then let it go, before I even land over there. I deserve a fresh start in my hometown while keeping my sails ready to explore the world and manifest all that my soul has been waiting to do. Letting the ghost of you keep haunting me does me no good…

My Heart Is Reserved, Not Guarded

I told you from the very beginning that we could only be friends.

You said you understood it and you wouldn’t ask for anything more. You not only tricked yourself with that thought as you also tricked me to buy into it. All I wanted was a friend, because that was all I could be. I learned that relationships are already hard enough when life is more or less steady… and if it isn’t steady, if your mind and heart are not in a good place, then it’s not a good idea to have a relationship, because it won’t be a healthy one.

This time I was very conscious of my past mistakes and I did my best to let you know what my heart was like right now. It’s not dark anymore, but there’s a big hole on it. I told you I had to fix it by myself but you were stubborn; you thought you could fix it. No one can fix another’s heart. A broken heart can only be fixed from within and you wanted to fix it from outside.

I let you in. A little bit more each time we talked. I refused your movements, and even your attempts to kiss me. You said I was pushing you away, and maybe I was. Not because I was scared, but because I knew you were not the one, and we could only be friends. What happened next I take it as my fault. After one year being by myself, the desire of being embraced took over.

I thought maybe I could give it a try, and that maybe my refusal was a simple defence mechanism from my side. But no. It was my intuition screaming loudly, saying you were not the one, and as much as I rationally wanted to make it work, the truth is that you are not the one… and I don’t want to be with anyone else but the one. I know, you told me it, when I shared my past relationships and situationships. I overdid it in matters of the heart. I kissed too many frogs with the hope they would become handsome princes, and they only became ghosts in my head who come to haunt me every now and then.

I believe, however, that the reason why I can’t be with you or feel what I rationally should feel is not due to the fact I overdid it in the past. Yes, my heart is not healed yet, but it’s not guarded either. I don’t know if hearts ever heal, to be honest, and that’s ok. I do know we can only be friends, even though you are that damn warrior, the kind of man that protects and takes care of his woman. You made me realise that I want that too, but I also saw that I’m now a warrior too – I want to fight my own battles as well and, although I want to be treated like a princess, I also want to feel I have my own space when I need it.

Life feels weird sometimes. I felt from the very first time you were not the one, because my heart is reserved. If we had met another time, we would had been the perfect match. I love you… I just don’t love you in the way a woman loves her man and life is too short to fool ourselves.