I finished my first PhD year knackered. I was exhausted and feeling noxious about the school. I started to realise that I was in the middle of people who endured political games and hidden agendas. The quality of teaching was perceived as secondary and the most important seemed to be the numbers. The number of incoming students, the number of published papers, the number of satisfied undergraduates, the number of grants received, and the number of controlled costs. Kindness, positivity, nurturance, team effort, inspiration, motivation and wellbeing were not that important. From then on, I always lived conflicted and misaligned between what I perceived to be my organisational environment and what my values and expectations were. After my first year, I only spiralled downward and I reached a point of almost no return.