I was almost coughing my lungs out when he said he loved me, right in the middle of his kitchen, a few days before my flight. That’s something that probably doesn’t happen often after a certain age, I would say, but it was something I knew he would end up doing.Continue reading “Your Heart Knows Who You Are Looking For”
As I begin to type these first few words, not knowing exactly how this post is going to flow, I can’t stop laughing in my head. Before I tell you why, let me explain though what are these “Questions to Fall in Love” all about.Continue reading “A Very Special Dinner Guest | Questions to Fall in Love | Q1”
I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away
Earlier last week I felt compelled to write this post but then I started overthinking it. Should I do it, should I not do it? Should I make it public, should I keep it private? Too many questions and only one need: the need to settle it down.
Four years have past since we parted ways, and last week I ended up breaking down while narrating the story to G. He kept triggering memories of you – the cooking, the washing up, the laughing out loud in bed… you would show up as a flash against my will and the only sense I can make of it is that I need to process the pain I tried to deny all this time.
I would like to say I’m over you, but I think we never get over someone who meant so much to us. I wasn’t happy all the time, I’m sure you were not happy all the time either, but you became someone very special in my life and now it seems to be impossible to keep running away from the pain I didn’t allow myself to feel before. Maybe it’s the fact I’m returning to Lisbon now. Our break up was one of the reasons why I ran away in the first place, and I’m the only one responsible for my own inability to process pain.
I also started seeing your face more often in the street and I guess I have been running away from analysing that. That’s why I am now writing these words because I know writing is the portal through which I have access to the darkest place of my soul and that’s where I have kept you.
As if seeing your face wherever I go was not enough, I dreamt about you. I don’t know or I can’t remember very well but I saw you and your partner acting distant from each other. It’s probably something I made up in my head but I’m now recalling the last time my mom said she saw you. You were with your girlfriend and still my mom didn’t assume she was so because of the way you interacted with each other. I wonder what is it like for real and whether you sometimes think about how things used to be between us. I also think about whether you hate me. You probably do.
I honestly don’t believe I still love you, except from afar. The main reason I still struggle is because we cut off contact in the weirdest way possible and I felt there was never a true closure. I guess sometimes we are the ones who have to create that closure, but I would like to voice out that I haven’t filled up the void, at least not yet. If I ever see you again, if we bump into each other now that I will be back home for a while, I hope I can openly just smile and that we don’t really trade any words. I just want to smile and feel we are good, whatever path we are walking on, and then part ways so we never see one another ever again. That’s the only closure I would like to get.
And maybe these words are my chance to smile at you and wish that you are alright, that you are happy. I think it’s time for me to let go the pain – feel it, and then let it go, before I even land over there. I deserve a fresh start in my hometown while keeping my sails ready to explore the world and manifest all that my soul has been waiting to do. Letting the ghost of you keep haunting me does me no good…
I told you from the very beginning that we could only be friends.
You said you understood it and you wouldn’t ask for anything more. You not only tricked yourself with that thought as you also tricked me to buy into it. All I wanted was a friend, because that was all I could be. I learned that relationships are already hard enough when life is more or less steady… and if it isn’t steady, if your mind and heart are not in a good place, then it’s not a good idea to have a relationship, because it won’t be a healthy one.
This time I was very conscious of my past mistakes and I did my best to let you know what my heart was like right now. It’s not dark anymore, but there’s a big hole on it. I told you I had to fix it by myself but you were stubborn; you thought you could fix it. No one can fix another’s heart. A broken heart can only be fixed from within and you wanted to fix it from outside.
I let you in. A little bit more each time we talked. I refused your movements, and even your attempts to kiss me. You said I was pushing you away, and maybe I was. Not because I was scared, but because I knew you were not the one, and we could only be friends. What happened next I take it as my fault. After one year being by myself, the desire of being embraced took over.
I thought maybe I could give it a try, and that maybe my refusal was a simple defence mechanism from my side. But no. It was my intuition screaming loudly, saying you were not the one, and as much as I rationally wanted to make it work, the truth is that you are not the one… and I don’t want to be with anyone else but the one. I know, you told me it, when I shared my past relationships and situationships. I overdid it in matters of the heart. I kissed too many frogs with the hope they would become handsome princes, and they only became ghosts in my head who come to haunt me every now and then.
I believe, however, that the reason why I can’t be with you or feel what I rationally should feel is not due to the fact I overdid it in the past. Yes, my heart is not healed yet, but it’s not guarded either. I don’t know if hearts ever heal, to be honest, and that’s ok. I do know we can only be friends, even though you are that damn warrior, the kind of man that protects and takes care of his woman. You made me realise that I want that too, but I also saw that I’m now a warrior too – I want to fight my own battles as well and, although I want to be treated like a princess, I also want to feel I have my own space when I need it.
Life feels weird sometimes. I felt from the very first time you were not the one, because my heart is reserved. If we had met another time, we would had been the perfect match. I love you… I just don’t love you in the way a woman loves her man and life is too short to fool ourselves.
Have you been single for an awful lot of time and struggling with dating? Join the club! In this post I’m sharing with you my most recent and disappointing “match”.
I have been single like “forever” because I know what I want and I know how I want to feel in a partnership. At each failed situationship, I have been raising the bar, and that’s probably why I sometimes think it is going to be really hard to find the perfect imperfect person for me – if I ever do.
I recently came across someone who seemed quite “perfect”: a good humoured guy, intelligent, a huge will to become a father at some point, a cute smile, a similar educational background, but… he is again one of those men who can’t show genuine interest in another person. He never tries to know more about my interests, and he never really has a conversation with me – our chats are monologues, where he tells his stories and I simply listen to his narrative.
You may tell me that this might be the “imperfect” part of the equation. I know no one is perfect, including me. However, the way another person makes me feel is very important and I want to feel heard, seen, and cherished. In our conversations this occurs only in one direction and I certainly don’t have the patience to tolerate this from another guy. He is not the first well-educated and self-absorbed guy who comes my way and he was also not the first one making me cry out of the blue thanks to his lack of awareness. Worse than that, he was not the first one pretending that I was not crying in his presence and that he had nothing to apologise for.
And why did I cry?
Well, it was not because I liked him in any form or shape, it was because he started to lash out at me, using, mixing, and messing up things I had said before to force me doing something I didn’t want to do. On top of that, it became clear that he was looking for a housewife, someone who he would be willing to financially support, and who would live to take care of him, his house, and kids. I guess that’s when my wild anarchist spirit kicked in and told me to distance myself from that guy as soon as possible.
I have nothing against housewives. At some point, I would not mind to be one for a little while, but I would like to share that experience with my partner, meaning that he would have to be a househusband at some point too! This guy though was letting me know that he was looking for someone who couldn’t put her career in front of anything else. Ok, I have been focusing on my career and I am experiencing disastrous results because of that, but to get rid of a career, entirely? Seriously?
I’m clearly not his match. My wild anarchist spirit wouldn’t afford to babysit him and thinking about it makes my stomach revolve. I couldn’t even imagine myself giving him the benefit of the doubt, specially not right now when I’m looking forward to build my own brand and start writing about all those crazy, weird, and silly things that a post-post-modern woman goes through in today’s society. It’s unhealthy for a woman or a man solely focus on her or his career… but I find it much worse to be a woman or a man whose principles are so out of fashion.
My little piece of advice for you who has been single for a long while:
Stay true to yourself, keep your light on, and don’t let anyone smash it!
If you have been reading me for a while, you probably already know that I am one of those girls who fantasises with meeting the perfect imperfect person to settle down with. I have written quite a few times about not accepting anything else than you deserve and that each woman deserves to be treated like a princess.
I never wrote about men who wait for the right girl though. Actually I have been led over the last couple of years to think otherwise. However, today I found out that this might not be entirely true: some men do seem to wait for the right one and prefer to wait for her instead of indulging in temporary affairs that only satiate their ego but not their soul.
I think I’m still surprised to be honest. It feels so unusual. So rare, you know? I’m still quite intrigued by this man who says that it’s better to only have sex with someone who you are not going to leave first thing in the morning. I already had lost my high hopes of meeting a man with such thought. I don’t mean that men are exclusively driven by sex – after all some women are acting more like that in public too -, but… it’s so comforting to meet a man likes this.
It feels so dreamy. I’m even having goose bumps while writing. Who is this man? What other thoughts does he hold on to? What makes him tick? What sort of woman is he waiting for? What fantasies does he have? And what does it feel like to be him?
Based on recent experiences, I came to notice that we as women often do a lot of stupid things when we develop some kind of a ‘crush’ on someone. We wait for hours for a message, we excuse not excusable behaviours, and more often than not we go way beyond our personal healthy boundaries. Did any of this ring a bell?
My most recent experiences on the flirting scene have also brought me some more interesting facts, many of which I was never really aware of in the past. Of course, I can only speak about what I see, and therefore that perspective limits me to what guys usually do. However, I’m pretty sure that some aspects are transferrable to what women do in one way or another when they also try to impress the guy they have a ‘crush’ on. So here are three things I recently spotted:
They Emphasise Their Assets Too Much
Just based on the past week, I had guys throwing gym pictures at me, countless statements about how much they earn, what car they drive, whether they are home owners or not, how put together they feel in life… Man, it just turns me off. Even if there was a remote chance of reciprocated feelings, such emphasis on personal and professional assets makes me feel noxious. What I really value are actions more than words and more often than not what a guy says doesn’t really correlate with what happens in reality. If someone is that worried to tell you what a great catch they are for you… then it’s probably not the right guy for you.
They Become Too Self-Centred
Linked to the previous note, when a guy over emphasises how good they are in paper, they usually are also too self-centred. They are so worried about reporting to you how good their life is and how great they are that little cognitive resources are left in their mind to consider and recognise you as a person separate from their ego. And if a guy is too self-centred, you know what that means: you can’t expect much authentic presence and attention from him.
They Try To Keep Up With Your Argument
Whenever a guy meets an intelligent girl who likes to debate stuff, they do their best to keep up with the argument, and more often than not they will embrace the “I know it all” attitude just to preserve their male pride. They might even say things that seem completely ridiculous, and they may even try to convert you to their thoughts and views. If you notice that a guy tries too hard to compete with you on arguments in order to look smart… that’s probably also not the guy for you.