3 Precious Love Lessons From Eat, Pray, Love

  • In this blog post, I will share with you three lessons on love that I took from the movie and book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

This week I reviewed one of my non-fictional favourite movies. It might have been the third or fourth time I watched, but it is amazing how we always find different nuggets of wisdom each time we watch or read something again.

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The Best Christmas Present Ever

My Christmas has been pretty dull for… decades. It is scary to say decades, because it makes me realise I’m turning 30 in a couple of months. As a sensitive kid I learned early that some families are tricky, or at least mine is. I became aware that people in my family would smile to each other but also dissipate a passive-aggressive comment whenever they could get a chance to. Just like a sponge, I would absorb not only the comment but also the invisible threads of hard feelings.

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Your Heart Knows Who You Are Looking For

I was almost coughing my lungs out when he said he loved me, right in the middle of his kitchen, a few days before my flight. That’s something that probably doesn’t happen often after a certain age, I would say, but it was something I knew he would end up doing.

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A Very Special Dinner Guest | Questions to Fall in Love | Q1

As I begin to type these first few words, not knowing exactly how this post is going to flow, I can’t stop laughing in my head. Before I tell you why, let me explain though what are these “Questions to Fall in Love” all about.

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My 4th Break Up Anniversary

I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away

Earlier last week I felt compelled to write this post but then I started overthinking it. Should I do it, should I not do it? Should I make it public, should I keep it private? Too many questions and only one need: the need to settle it down.

Four years have past since we parted ways, and last week I ended up breaking down while narrating the story to G. He kept triggering memories of you – the cooking, the washing up, the laughing out loud in bed… you would show up as a flash against my will and the only sense I can make of it is that I need to process the pain I tried to deny all this time.

I would like to say I’m over you, but I think we never get over someone who meant so much to us. I wasn’t happy all the time, I’m sure you were not happy all the time either, but you became someone very special in my life and now it seems to be impossible to keep running away from the pain I didn’t allow myself to feel before. Maybe it’s the fact I’m returning to Lisbon now. Our break up was one of the reasons why I ran away in the first place, and I’m the only one responsible for my own inability to process pain.

I also started seeing your face more often in the street and I guess I have been running away from analysing that. That’s why I am now writing these words because I know writing is the portal through which I have access to the darkest place of my soul and that’s where I have kept you.

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As if seeing your face wherever I go was not enough, I dreamt about you. I don’t know or I can’t remember very well but I saw you and your partner acting distant from each other. It’s probably something I made up in my head but I’m now recalling the last time my mom said she saw you. You were with your girlfriend and still my mom didn’t assume she was so because of the way you interacted with each other. I wonder what is it like for real and whether you sometimes think about how things used to be between us. I also think about whether you hate me. You probably do.

I honestly don’t believe I still love you, except from afar. The main reason I still struggle is because we cut off contact in the weirdest way possible and I felt there was never a true closure. I guess sometimes we are the ones who have to create that closure, but I would like to voice out that I haven’t filled up the void, at least not yet. If I ever see you again, if we bump into each other now that I will be back home for a while, I hope I can openly just smile and that we don’t really trade any words. I just want to smile and feel we are good, whatever path we are walking on, and then part ways so we never see one another ever again. That’s the only closure I would like to get.

And maybe these words are my chance to smile at you and wish that you are alright, that you are happy. I think it’s time for me to let go the pain – feel it, and then let it go, before I even land over there. I deserve a fresh start in my hometown while keeping my sails ready to explore the world and manifest all that my soul has been waiting to do. Letting the ghost of you keep haunting me does me no good…

My Heart Is Reserved, Not Guarded

I told you from the very beginning that we could only be friends.

You said you understood it and you wouldn’t ask for anything more. You not only tricked yourself with that thought as you also tricked me to buy into it. All I wanted was a friend, because that was all I could be. I learned that relationships are already hard enough when life is more or less steady… and if it isn’t steady, if your mind and heart are not in a good place, then it’s not a good idea to have a relationship, because it won’t be a healthy one.

This time I was very conscious of my past mistakes and I did my best to let you know what my heart was like right now. It’s not dark anymore, but there’s a big hole on it. I told you I had to fix it by myself but you were stubborn; you thought you could fix it. No one can fix another’s heart. A broken heart can only be fixed from within and you wanted to fix it from outside.

I let you in. A little bit more each time we talked. I refused your movements, and even your attempts to kiss me. You said I was pushing you away, and maybe I was. Not because I was scared, but because I knew you were not the one, and we could only be friends. What happened next I take it as my fault. After one year being by myself, the desire of being embraced took over.

I thought maybe I could give it a try, and that maybe my refusal was a simple defence mechanism from my side. But no. It was my intuition screaming loudly, saying you were not the one, and as much as I rationally wanted to make it work, the truth is that you are not the one… and I don’t want to be with anyone else but the one. I know, you told me it, when I shared my past relationships and situationships. I overdid it in matters of the heart. I kissed too many frogs with the hope they would become handsome princes, and they only became ghosts in my head who come to haunt me every now and then.

I believe, however, that the reason why I can’t be with you or feel what I rationally should feel is not due to the fact I overdid it in the past. Yes, my heart is not healed yet, but it’s not guarded either. I don’t know if hearts ever heal, to be honest, and that’s ok. I do know we can only be friends, even though you are that damn warrior, the kind of man that protects and takes care of his woman. You made me realise that I want that too, but I also saw that I’m now a warrior too – I want to fight my own battles as well and, although I want to be treated like a princess, I also want to feel I have my own space when I need it.

Life feels weird sometimes. I felt from the very first time you were not the one, because my heart is reserved. If we had met another time, we would had been the perfect match. I love you… I just don’t love you in the way a woman loves her man and life is too short to fool ourselves.

I’m Sorry Dude, But I’m No Housewife

Have you been single for an awful lot of time and struggling with dating? Join the club! In this post I’m sharing with you my most recent and disappointing “match”.

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I have been single like “forever” because I know what I want and I know how I want to feel in a partnership. At each failed situationship, I have been raising the bar, and that’s probably why I sometimes think it is going to be really hard to find the perfect imperfect person for me – if I ever do.

I recently came across someone who seemed quite “perfect”: a good humoured guy, intelligent, a huge will to become a father at some point, a cute smile, a similar educational background, but… he is again one of those men who can’t show genuine interest in another person. He never tries to know more about my interests, and he never really has a conversation with me – our chats are monologues, where he tells his stories and I simply listen to his narrative.

You may tell me that this might be the “imperfect” part of the equation. I know no one is perfect, including me. However, the way another person makes me feel is very important and I want to feel heard, seen, and cherished. In our conversations this occurs only in one direction and I certainly don’t have the patience to tolerate this from another guy. He is not the first well-educated and self-absorbed guy who comes my way and he was also not the first one making me cry out of the blue thanks to his lack of awareness. Worse than that, he was not the first one pretending that I was not crying in his presence and that he had nothing to apologise for.

And why did I cry?

Well, it was not because I liked him in any form or shape, it was because he started to lash out at me, using, mixing, and messing up things I had said before to force me doing something I didn’t want to do. On top of that, it became clear that he was looking for a housewife, someone who he would be willing to financially support, and who would live to take care of him, his house, and kids. I guess that’s when my wild anarchist spirit kicked in and told me to distance myself from that guy as soon as possible.

I have nothing against housewives. At some point, I would not mind to be one for a little while, but I would like to share that experience with my partner, meaning that he would have to be a househusband at some point too! This guy though was letting me know that he was looking for someone who couldn’t put her career in front of anything else. Ok, I have been focusing on my career and I am experiencing disastrous results because of that, but to get rid of a career, entirely? Seriously?

I’m clearly not his match. My wild anarchist spirit wouldn’t afford to babysit him and thinking about it makes my stomach revolve. I couldn’t even imagine myself giving him the benefit of the doubt, specially not right now when I’m looking forward to build my own brand and start writing about all those crazy, weird, and silly things that a post-post-modern woman goes through in today’s society. It’s unhealthy for a woman or a man solely focus on her or his career… but I find it much worse to be a woman or a man whose principles are so out of fashion.

My little piece of advice for you who has been single for a long while:

Stay true to yourself, keep your light on, and don’t let anyone smash it!